I'm not giving in

So I failed this exam, was alone for my 28th consecutive Valentine's Day, and learned that to start my new career it looks like I'm going to have to pass 2 exams to get hired. Which means another year at East Coast Title.

To be honest I don't even know why I'm writing this blog. I'm hoping that I will finally catch a break and all my hard work will go noticed.

To do that, I'm going to do something that I hate. I'm going to start living for me. I've never been a selfish individual. 2 days after having life saving surgery I was answering work phone calls. No matter how sick I was or how bad I was hurting I've always been the shoulder to cry. Not any more. There's only so much misery one man can take. Becoming an actuary is going to open so many doors and get me finally living in NYC.

A quick story. A friend of mine came up from DC to visit NYC. A week before my exam. I was freaking out because I didn't feel ready for this exam. I didn't get a chance to go visit with her. I've felt horrible ever since. I missed out on snowboarding this year. I haven't played video games in months. It all sounds silly and childish. I have to start living for me. The reason I didn't pass this exam is because I've left my cell phone one 100% of the time I've studied for this. I've answered every email, phone call, text, im, and facebook message. For some people it was completely worth it. To those few I apologize, but I know you will understand that this is what I have to do. I've helped numerous friends out of really tough times. I've also wasted a lot of time having to listen to drama.

I'm cutting drama out of my life. I've complained that in my family it's 100% acceptable for people to not help Grandma or not get stuff done around the house because they are going to a party or going to the bar or going to watch the game. Well I'm taking responsibility for that. I let it happen. I've spent too much time studying at home and I've left my phone on so I can be at the world's every beckoning call. Not anymore. It's all about learning to say no. I get taken advantage of in every aspect of my life. This is me formally saying "HELL NO LIFE!!! I'm not going to be your bitch anymore life."

Also, I'm so glad I have an iPod. People are unreliable. Music is always there for me. I was in such a bad mood all weekend and I put on Jack's Mannequin and just realized I could be back in a hospital. Then it made me realize that yes life is good because I'm not on medication and I'm not hooked up to machines. But that doesn't mean I should have to put up with pointless bullshit. I'm living again in the real world in the good US of A, where people take advantage of you every chance they get.

One positive thing is my next attempt at this exam is right before a walk I'm doing in Belmar to benefit the Crohn's and Colitis foundation. For those of you who don't really know me and have seen me ask for money or have seen that I've raised a fair amount of money, please please please give me more. It's a horrible disease that still affects me every day of my life. For those of you who think my surgery was a cure for this disease, you are 100% right. I no longer have colitis. I also no longer have a colon, which has led to a handful of other problems. It's not an appendix. Also when I speak about people I have really helped over the past few months, I'm talking about friends with Crohn's and Colitis. The only time I've felt valuable in the past few months is when I've helped them through a flare up or through a freak out because of the terrible mental effects the stronger medications have on your brain.

Sorry I deviated off topic. My point is in May I will be retaking my actuarial exam (hopefully passing it), then on May 23rd doing the walk at 5pm, and then watching the Lost series finale. Doing the walk is a huge step for me because I'm officially publicly becoming a face for a horribly embarrassing and painful chronic disease. It feels like I'm turning the page on that part of my life. Hopefully I will also be turning the pages of the rest of my life and embarking on a new career in a new place.

Another positive thing is I'm going to try to stop cursing. So if one slips out of my mouth please yell at me. (Note: This email doesn't count)