Being great

Location: My room
Watching: Parks and Recreation
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 5 of 12

Most people want to be great. Today I don't want to be great. I'm definitely overreacting about this, but tonight my mother told me my 17 year old cousin is in the hospital with severe stomach pains. There's a possibility that he has Crohn's or Colitis. I talked with a friend who told me that I'm jumping to conclusions. She's right, but also said that it's good that my family has me in the event he does have it. I've recently learned that I'm great at helping people cope with this disease by just offering my story and listening to what they have to say. Part of me wants to say I don't wish that I was great at this and that I was great at something else like playing baseball, but I don't actually want that. I realized that if I don't want to be great at talking with people about this disease that I have to do everything I can to raise awareness and raise money for research and treatments so we can find a cure and then I don't have to help people cope. No one should have to suffer and my teenage cousin shouldn't have to spend the night in a hospital.

Please don't let me face my generation alone

Location: My room
Listening to: fun.
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 5 of 12

You know when you just are feeling a certain way and there's a song out there that perfectly expresses how you feel.

Here is that scenario with a song called "All the Pretty Girls" by fun.

Every single night ends up the same,
I don't say much at all, but I bring up your name.
(Over and over and over)
I think it's striking me out.

All the pretty girls on a Saturday night
Let it be, and come to me with the look in your eyes.
Will you break and take all the words from my mouth?
I wish all the pretty girls were shaking me down.
But not you,
you still wear boots and your hair is too long
and then this one doesn't want to admit she's fallen in love
Oh c'mon, oh c'mon, what's a boy to do
When all the pretty girls can't measure to you.

I don't understand your reasons
Please just stay over the weekend
You can't take all those things
They define you and me
everything we've become,
You're all that I need
Please don't make me face my generation alone.


Another fun lyric from a different song called "Be Calm" made me take a deep breath and go pick up my book.

if only I could find my people or my place in life
a when they come a'carolin'
so loud, so bright, the theremin
will lead us to a chorus
where we'll all rejoice and sing a song that goes:

Oh be calm.
Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Be calm.
Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive
and everything's wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes
Be calm.

21 and invincible

Tonight I went to a fundraising meeting for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation. It was a free dinner and they gave out fundraising advice. i was dreading having to tell my story and having to hear other peoples' stories. I sat at a table by myself and this family sat with me and it turns out their 11 year old daughter, Madison, was diagnosed "way back" when she was 10. The foundation honors a local hero every year and they picked her this year. She truly is one of the most inspiring people I've ever met. There's something so great about youth. As I was telling my story I noticed how full of life and invincible she was. Even though she was an 11 year old with a chronic disease that I know the effects of all too well. As I told my story to a table full of eager listeners, I found myself quoting one of my heroes. Andrew McMahon. I told them how I was so lucky to be diagnosed at 20 and not 10. They asked me how I coped with it and if I made dietary changes and I said, "I didn't make any changes. I was 21 and invincible. I ate as much taco bell and drank as much beer as possible." Then I laughed as I realized I quoted Andrew who wrote a song called "21 and Invincible." It made me realize that even though I thought the disease made me realize I have limitations that was all wrong. This disease is awful and just slowed me down and made things more difficult. It was my own brain that was holding me back from achieving my goals. Nothing can hold you back, but yourself. If an 11 year old girl who needs to take iron supplements and frequently goes to the bathroom and has to bring a change of clothes with her to her dance lessons and her basketball practices and can live a completely normal life as an 11 year old, then so can I. Probably the funniest part of tonight was when she read her letter that she's sending out to people to get donations. She mentioned how the worst part of this disease besides having to use public restrooms which are absolutely disgusting is that she doesn't like jello. It was extremely funny to me because I hate jello and it's all they give you in the hospital. The italian ice and soup broth is ok, but I can't eat jello anymore unless I'm forced to in the hospital. Anyway, it was a very inspirational night. It's also nice to tell someone what you've been through who actually understands. People tell you they know what you're going through, but unless they have the disease, they have no idea.

Follow my new blog

I'll still update this one whenever I decide I need to vent or have something to share about myself, but I've been asked to do a blog about my grandma. It's funny stuff. Follow that one too.

http://grandmafresh.blogspot.com/

Balance

Location: Bed
Watching: Grandma's Boy
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 3 of 12

I learned a very important lesson today. Always do your best at everything you do. Even if you are unhappy or looking to move on. You should still always do your best. If not you are hurting those around you and yourself. I also learned that life is about balance. Too much fun and too much stress aren't good for anyone. You need to find the right balance. I'm not there yet, but I believe that hopefully people can forgive me and I will get there. I will say I am extremely humbled by this new found knowledge and I realized that I've been selfish and arrogant and just plain hurtful to people and even though I thought I was helping I wasn't. I apologize to everyone and will do my best to do better.

T-REX!!!!

Location: Kitchen
Watching: Duke/UNC then switching to Crash
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 2 of 12

So sometimes it feels good to know you aren't the only one who hasn't figured out life yet. Freaking out is allowed in moderation. I also learned that it's more important to do something that makes you happy. Hopefully I'll be an actuary the rest of my life, but who knows. All I know is that right now it seems like the right thing to do and I really enjoying doing this sort of work.

Also T-rexs rule. I love sharks, but dinosaurs are so much cooler.

I'm ok with still being a little kid at heart. I think it's good to let go once in a while and be carefree.

28 and Invincible

Location: Kitchen table
Listening to: fun.
Watching: Modern family
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: week 2 of 12

Warning: This is going to be pretty deep and religious or spiritual or whatever you'd like to call it.

I'm not afraid to say this anymore. Even though it defies all logic and everything my scientific brain tells me. I've always believed there was a God. Jesus was another story. When I was younger I had all sorts of strange things happen that made me believe. Then I got sick and I couldn't believe that someone who is all loving and died for me would allow bad things to happen to good people. To this day I've never asked, "Why me?" I never planned on asking that question because of the extreme negativity that goes along with it. Now I know "Why me?"

I can't truly express in words what I'm feeling at this moment. Here's a feeble attempt.

For those of you who know me, you will know what a huge fan I am of Andrew McMahon and his music. He's also an example of how we should all be living life. It sounds so simple, but it is something I've had a really hard time doing recently. A few months ago I met someone who turned out to be a great friend. She made me realize "Why me?" She made me realize I have a purpose. I have a disease and I can help a lot of people who also have this disease. I went through the worst of it and I'm still standing. On Monday I decided to start living life again. I didn't feel 100% and had a concert ticket to see Andrew's band Jack's Mannequin in Philly. I could have easily cancelled. I took the day off and even ate a cheesesteak (a terrible decision in hind sight.) I felt miserable all day and all night. I think I caught a cold shoveling. I couldn't let her know I was in discomfort. 2 of her favorite bands of all time were playing and I didn't want to be a buzzkill and I didn't want to let her down. It made me realize my decision to start living life again was the right decision. I had an awesome time.

At some point in our car ride I brought up one of Andrew's songs called "21 and Invincible." Some people argue that song is about being unstoppable and nothing can get in your way. I always thought the point of that song was that you think you're invincible and you aren't. It can all be taken away at any given moment. This is true. I'm an example of that. I will probably never run a marathon, but that doesn't mean I can't run a quarter mile. I realized tonight that just because you've had something taken away from you doesn't mean you should miss out on the rest of what life has to offer.

Another part of our conversation was about how being positive and having something or someone to live for really helps people. Whether it be being sick or just getting through a rough patch. To be honest, I didn't think I had anything to live for. Sad I know. My head was an absolute mess.

Warning: Some of you might not believe this next part and call me crazy or say it's because I was being positive or it was just coincidence these events happened, but I think I'm right.

Last night I was feeling depressed. I didn't understand why I could have a great day the day before and be depressed the next night. I thought about finally seeing a therapist. Then I got arrogant. I said you know what my mom and her crazy friends and these Jesus freaks would say open your heart to Jesus. Like I said, I do believe there's something bigger than me that created this world. My logic tells me I'm here and I completely believe in the big bang theory (a great show as well), but something or someone had to set it all in motion. I think I sort of believe in this one teaching of the Bahai Faith. I learned about this from Rainn Wilson (Yes, I get religious advice from Dwight Shrute.) It teaches that Jesus and these main people of other religions are all messengers and manifestations of God at different points in time to specific groups of people. Further, we are all messengers of God and all here to better the world.

I can't explain it, but before my surgery I said to God if I need surgery so be it. I can't do this anymore. I'm in your hands. I haven't been that spiritual since I was a little kid. Looking back it worked out. Was it because of science that I'm ok? 100%. I don't deny that. I don't deny that I went to one of the best surgeons in the world in one of the best hospitals in the world in the greatest city in the world. I planned that. It was part of my comfort in being positive during this ordeal. I felt like I had control in how I was going to be treated. What I can't explain is how I was relatively not nervous, even though I didn't have control. I knew I'd be out for 4 hours with no control over the result of the surgery. Friends tell me it's that I was brave or I was foolish or I am strong. It's not. I had comfort in believing everything was going to work out and if it didn't I'd deal with it. So at that point I had a strong belief in God and that something was watching over me. At that point though, I believed that Jesus was just a fictional character. I don't believe that anymore. If God wants to manifest himself in the person of Jesus, who's stopping him? I realized that my strong belief in him as the creator was the key. If he could make the world and make people, why couldn't he come as Jesus? That almost seems like a lesser task.

Back to my point. Last night I felt completely helpless and thought let's try this Jesus thing again. So I said, "God I'm ready to try again. I enjoy helping people. Even if I'm not happy, I will try to make this world a better place from this day forward." My pessimism wasn't doing anyone any good and I didn't like pessimistic Tim. So I said let me try this. I wasn't looking for a sign or looking for an improvement immediately. I honestly didn't think it would happen. What did happen was I turned on the TV and "A Beautiful Mind" was on. So I watched it. I'm a math geek and crazy. I can definitely relate to John Nash. I've seen it numerous times and own it on DVD along with the book. What I never noticed was how he literally conquered his mind. I wanted to do that. My mind and my negativity were causing my depression and holding me back from being happy. I needed to conquer it on my own. I took enough drugs for my colon and I didn't like the way they messed with my mind. So I was on a mission.

Today I went to work, feeling under the weather and had a completely vanilla day at the office. My brother had some chest pains and I was scared for him. He's so completely different from me and my parents let so much slide with him that it's mostly jealousy. Turns out he's fine and I can sleep easy tonight. I came home and talked to him and it made me realize that he sort of grew up a little today. He went for all these tests and now has a greater understanding of what I've gone through over the years. Just seeing how worked up he got over a pulled muscle and the few hours it took for the doctors to diagnose it, I think made him realize I wasn't crazy when I freaked out about having to wait for test results.

Later that night I got a text from a friend. One of my first running coaches and now I can call him a friend. He's someone I highly respect and constantly go to for advice. He's texted me that his knee problems are getting worse and he might not be able to run again ever. I thought it was a ploy to get me to start coaching again. I called him and was partially right. He mostly called to talk it out. He knows I don't coach because I can't run and can't set the example I'd like to set. I didn't want to be the fat lazy coach with the stop watch standing there barking orders. So I quit. He's coached much longer than me and truly is a great coach. So I felt comfort in knowing he expressed the same concerns. But he wasn't talking about quitting and that's what I noticed. He could have easily used this as an excuse to get out, but he didn't. He also was telling me to come back and coach, without needing to say it. I also noticed that he called to talk about potentially having something he loves taken away from him. We talked about how doctors don't understand runners. They see it as pain. It's an escape. Part of the reason for my depression is that when I used to go on long runs, I had time to figure stuff out in my mind. I don't have that same escape. I've tried alternatives, I've tried drugs, nothing compares. We talked about how he was determined to get back to running no matter what the doctors said. I think part of him made the call to just talk about how scary it is. So he told me about the plan he had mapped out. Even though he said he doesn't want to do this yet, I told him to stop wasting time with NJ doctors and go to NYC. I have the utmost faith in NYC doctors. We talked about how skiiers can have 5 knee surgeries and still win medals in the moguls at the Olympics. So someone can get him back to running.

It made me realize I do have something to live for. It felt good helping a friend. We then went on to talk about his daughters and I mentioned how I just had talked with all the former runners I used to run with. They're all in college now so when I started running they were about 10 years old on average. They were jealous of me being able to go to a concert. More importantly they know Andrew's story and truly are touched and as inspired as I am. I then went on to tell him about Andrew and that God forbid any young person should get cancer, but if he ever wanted to borrow my DVD which documents Andrew beating cancer I would gladly share it. He then asked me how my fundraising was going and I said extremely well, but that I was thinking of asking for donations to be made to my friend instead. She has Crohn's disease and is running a half marathon to raise money for the same foundation. She's not a runner and is truly inspiring and is having trouble raising funds. I also reflected on how being outspoken about the disease has raised all sort of money and sparked all sorts of conversation that I never would have expected. He said to me, "Tim, you're going to need to ask people for money you're whole life. So don't be afraid to do it now." He then asked about my exam. I told him I failed and was confident I would pass in May. He then mentioned that his brother worked for Chubb Insurance, which is one of the companies on my list. He said, "Tim, you're going to need help in this economy. My brother will get you that job. You're truly inspired to chase this dream and like me chasing my dream to get back to running. Both will happen."

Let's say God doesn't exist. Would he still be this nice? Would I still be this nice? 100% yes. I believe in the good of people. I've also seen the bad in people. Was this all just a strange coincidence? Possibly.

My answer is everything happens for a reason. In 2 seemingly bad situations, we are both working through it to get to the good on the other side. Would I ever have imagined that someone would be calling me for life advice when I was 28 years old and a complete mess? No, but it happened and I'm glad it did. I can't ignore the chain of events. I can't ignore that I asked for help and was immediately given this realization that I'm worth it and do have a reason to live. I can really make peoples' lives better and make a difference.

On a job interview I was asked to give a unique answer to the question: "Why should I hire you instead of anyone else? What makes you better?" I've been searching for my answer for months. I finally have it. My unique answer is I'm unique. I'm Tim Casey and I'm damn proud of that. I've been through a lot and I'm still standing. I help people every chance I get and have fun every chance I get and work hard every chance I get. That's what life's all about and I get that and I don't think everybody gets that. I don't have a one line answer. I can't say I'm going to be the best actuary ever. Odds are I won't be. I can't say I'm the best friend ever or the best runner ever. I can say that I'm a great person though. I honestly don't think enough people in this world can say that.

Part of me wants to apologize for this rant. Another part of me doesn't and is proud of this rant. It somehow all makes sense to me now. Will I always believe this, will things happen that change my beliefs and my opinions? Yes. That's life. What I can say is that I'm 28 and invincible.

fun.

Location: My room
Listening to: fun.
Watching: Crash
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 2 of 12

I had a lot of fun. Yesterday. I spent the day in Philly. Got to eat a cheesesteak and got to see Jack's Mannequin perform along with the band fun. Turns out fun. puts on an awesome show. I'm sort of regretting the cheesesteak decision, but hey you only live once. My stomach was killing me all night. I got back really late and was in bed by 2:15 am, but I couldn't sleep because my stomach was killing me so I called out sick today. All in all, it was fun just to take a day to myself. I should do that more often. It was nice to have a day of fun. Then today sucked again. I don't get how people can be so inconsiderate. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If you always give 100% people are disappointed if you give 99%. If you only give 20% and just once give 50% people throw you a wedding size party.