Great 30th Year!

I've decided to do something great as I embark towards my 30th birthday. I always thought it would have happened by now, but it didn't so it will happen in the up and coming year. As I get ready to go out celebrating with my great friends, I realize there are 2 friends that I'm missing. I know Mitch would be buying me a drink at Fox and Jake would have some great comment posted on my wall. It makes me realize how lucky I am to have lived for 29 years and done the things I have done up until this point. It also makes me realize that I can do more. I can be a better person. I can always strive to better myself. While I was remembering my friends I couldn't help, but find the beauty in this world. I am going to be an uncle. Cheesy with the whole with death comes rebirth sort of thing, and perhaps just odd timing, but nevertheless a great thing and I'm so happy for my cousin and her husband. Uncle Tim. I'm glad I have my dad's name because Uncle Tim doesn't sound weird at all since my dad has been called that for years.

There's plenty of fish in the sea.

I watched the movie "500 Days of Summer" tonight for the first time. I love this movie. I will probably never watch it again, but I did really get a lot out of it. There are girls in my past who have been great friends who I could have been romantically involved with and for whatever reason I wasn't. Most of the time I was afraid of taking a chance and ruining a friendship. After joining the dating site Plenty of Fish and having only 2 girls look at my profile in the first week, I was really depressed and afraid that my worst fears were true. I'm not an attractive guy and it's clear that I'm also not interesting and that a stupid dating site isn't where I need to be finding girls. I think this is true. I need to just go with the flow. If I'm friends with a girl, I can't be afraid of being friends with her and if something romantic happens along the way great. If it doesn't that's fine too. If I get my heart broken, then so what. It's happened tons of time before. I have to just accept that I'm a great person and sometimes that spark just isn't there and there's nothing I can do to change that. No matter how much I want to change it or try to change it, it just won't. There's that spark that is magical that you just can't make. It just needs to happen. I really like how that movie ends. It makes me realize that life goes on and I laughed when I started thinking to myself, there are plenty of fish in the sea. What a good name for a dating website. I also don't think it's me being a hopeless romantic, but I just don't think a dating website is for me. I don't think the type of girl I'll end up falling in love with will be a girl that goes on a dating website. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and hope to run into her one day.

I also still refuse to believe everything happens for a reason. I do believe that you need to sometimes take a deep breath and look at life from a different point of view. I decided my next move in life is going to be a computer geek. I have 6 years of experience in the industry and while I feel I'm not as qualified because I don't have any Microsoft Certifications, I decided to get some. When I went on the website I noticed with the launch of Windows 7, there are all new certifications and the old certifications are outdated. So really I'm on a somewhat even playing field!!! I also realized that I have many connections in the tech field and have had job opportunities come my way that I've passed up and I shouldn't have.

Also, as of right now. I really think I want to start running and getting in shape aain.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Something that I've heard too often recently is "Everything Happens for a Reason." For 28 years I've believed that. Last week I realized I don't believe that and never will. I believe there are weird coincidences and strange things happen in this world. Maybe somethings happen for a reason, but it can't be simplified to everything happens for a reason. Losing 2 friends in accidents in a 12 day period makes me believe there is no reason why that happened. No reason you give me will ever be good enough. I simply wish people would say "I know it sucks and it will never make sense, but try to be positive and make the best of a bad situation." I also realized that basically the only way I want to live life is to make the best of every situation. When things are going good I have to remember to still make the best of these good situations. You can always make things better, even if they're great.

That having been said my aunt's dog died suddenly. This is no way related to "Everything Happens for a Reason." It was a dog. Dogs die. Things happen in 3 I guess. I house and dog sat for my aunt and uncle when they would go away. It made me sad that not more people got to know my aunt's dog. He was a golden retriever and very hyperactive. So at family functions he couldn't come out to play. He was a great dog though. I hope my aunt gets a new one soon. Although I know she'll wait a few years. Puppies are fun.

Bros before hoes

Location: Backyard Listening to: Kid Dynamite Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini Study Progress: Week 8 of 12

There is nothing better than hanging out with good friends. I've had to learn the hard way that I really need to cherish moments with my good friends, because life is short and it could be the last time. That having been said I always have been a pretty good judge of character and I need to stop chasing after girls who I know are wrong for me. That time could be better spent hanging out with the people that actually do matter.

For those of you who don't know, I lost 2 friends in 12 days. I wouldn't say they were my closest friends, but they were really nice and awesome guys who I'm proud to call friends. I blogged about Jake earlier and Mitch was a great guy too and taken from us too young.

Love life hardcore

Location:Library
Listening to:fun.
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 7 of 12



On Sunday a friend of mine died suddenly. He wasn't one of my close friends, but we kept in touch from time to time. It really hit me a lot harder than I was expecting. It's a tribute to the life he lived and how special he was and that in only a short time he made such a huge impact on the world. I am trying to take away something positive from this. It made me realize I have been a poser. I said I was going to start living life. I wasn't I was hiding from life in a library. I learned I need to adjust my life. I have great friends and not being able to experience things with them because I'm in the library is a waste of time. I'm not giving up on my dream of becoming an actuary. I'm just not going to stress anymore. If I study and I'm not ready in time for the exam I'll just keep doing what I do and take it the next time it's offered. Jake, I will never thank you for helping me realize this because I'd rather have you here telling me about a new band I check out or show me how just being me is more than being cool. Jake loved life hardcore. Thanks DBY for that awesome saying. So simple and yet so accurate. He was in a band called Dreams Forever Drowning. Looking back I find that ironic. He lived life hardcore. His dreams were far from drowning. I'd also like to take this time to apologize to anyone I had to cancel plans with because of this stupid exam. It won't happen again.

Penny

Location: Work
Listening to: The Format
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 8 of 12

Just a quick update. I realized something. I am Leonard searching for my Penny. It's just so stupid. If you watch the Big Bang Theory, Penny is a exactly the type of girl I chase after for all the wrong reasons. She's hot and that's about it. She appears to be interested in Leonard, but is only using him to pass the time while she's waiting for the high school quarterback to break up with the head cheerleader. I mean Leonard goes above and beyond the call of duty to impress Penny, finally gets her to be his girlfriend, then says I love you and she says thanks and realizes she can never love him. Why do I continue to chase after this type of girl instead of trying to pick up a girl at the library?

Irked

It truly irks me that I can never truly please some people. It also amazes me how people think studying for this exam is stressing me out, when in reality it's everything else I have to do which is preventing me from studying that is upsetting me. I also hate feeling like I'm wrong for taking a day to myself. Why is it ok for everyone else in this world to enjoy life but me? Time for some change. Off to Barnes and Noble instead of the library.

The Greeks were well educated.

"Women are always a complication and a difficulty in the lives of men." - Orestes

Being great

Location: My room
Watching: Parks and Recreation
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 5 of 12

Most people want to be great. Today I don't want to be great. I'm definitely overreacting about this, but tonight my mother told me my 17 year old cousin is in the hospital with severe stomach pains. There's a possibility that he has Crohn's or Colitis. I talked with a friend who told me that I'm jumping to conclusions. She's right, but also said that it's good that my family has me in the event he does have it. I've recently learned that I'm great at helping people cope with this disease by just offering my story and listening to what they have to say. Part of me wants to say I don't wish that I was great at this and that I was great at something else like playing baseball, but I don't actually want that. I realized that if I don't want to be great at talking with people about this disease that I have to do everything I can to raise awareness and raise money for research and treatments so we can find a cure and then I don't have to help people cope. No one should have to suffer and my teenage cousin shouldn't have to spend the night in a hospital.

Please don't let me face my generation alone

Location: My room
Listening to: fun.
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 5 of 12

You know when you just are feeling a certain way and there's a song out there that perfectly expresses how you feel.

Here is that scenario with a song called "All the Pretty Girls" by fun.

Every single night ends up the same,
I don't say much at all, but I bring up your name.
(Over and over and over)
I think it's striking me out.

All the pretty girls on a Saturday night
Let it be, and come to me with the look in your eyes.
Will you break and take all the words from my mouth?
I wish all the pretty girls were shaking me down.
But not you,
you still wear boots and your hair is too long
and then this one doesn't want to admit she's fallen in love
Oh c'mon, oh c'mon, what's a boy to do
When all the pretty girls can't measure to you.

I don't understand your reasons
Please just stay over the weekend
You can't take all those things
They define you and me
everything we've become,
You're all that I need
Please don't make me face my generation alone.


Another fun lyric from a different song called "Be Calm" made me take a deep breath and go pick up my book.

if only I could find my people or my place in life
a when they come a'carolin'
so loud, so bright, the theremin
will lead us to a chorus
where we'll all rejoice and sing a song that goes:

Oh be calm.
Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Be calm.
Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive
and everything's wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes
Be calm.

21 and invincible

Tonight I went to a fundraising meeting for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation. It was a free dinner and they gave out fundraising advice. i was dreading having to tell my story and having to hear other peoples' stories. I sat at a table by myself and this family sat with me and it turns out their 11 year old daughter, Madison, was diagnosed "way back" when she was 10. The foundation honors a local hero every year and they picked her this year. She truly is one of the most inspiring people I've ever met. There's something so great about youth. As I was telling my story I noticed how full of life and invincible she was. Even though she was an 11 year old with a chronic disease that I know the effects of all too well. As I told my story to a table full of eager listeners, I found myself quoting one of my heroes. Andrew McMahon. I told them how I was so lucky to be diagnosed at 20 and not 10. They asked me how I coped with it and if I made dietary changes and I said, "I didn't make any changes. I was 21 and invincible. I ate as much taco bell and drank as much beer as possible." Then I laughed as I realized I quoted Andrew who wrote a song called "21 and Invincible." It made me realize that even though I thought the disease made me realize I have limitations that was all wrong. This disease is awful and just slowed me down and made things more difficult. It was my own brain that was holding me back from achieving my goals. Nothing can hold you back, but yourself. If an 11 year old girl who needs to take iron supplements and frequently goes to the bathroom and has to bring a change of clothes with her to her dance lessons and her basketball practices and can live a completely normal life as an 11 year old, then so can I. Probably the funniest part of tonight was when she read her letter that she's sending out to people to get donations. She mentioned how the worst part of this disease besides having to use public restrooms which are absolutely disgusting is that she doesn't like jello. It was extremely funny to me because I hate jello and it's all they give you in the hospital. The italian ice and soup broth is ok, but I can't eat jello anymore unless I'm forced to in the hospital. Anyway, it was a very inspirational night. It's also nice to tell someone what you've been through who actually understands. People tell you they know what you're going through, but unless they have the disease, they have no idea.

Follow my new blog

I'll still update this one whenever I decide I need to vent or have something to share about myself, but I've been asked to do a blog about my grandma. It's funny stuff. Follow that one too.

http://grandmafresh.blogspot.com/

Balance

Location: Bed
Watching: Grandma's Boy
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 3 of 12

I learned a very important lesson today. Always do your best at everything you do. Even if you are unhappy or looking to move on. You should still always do your best. If not you are hurting those around you and yourself. I also learned that life is about balance. Too much fun and too much stress aren't good for anyone. You need to find the right balance. I'm not there yet, but I believe that hopefully people can forgive me and I will get there. I will say I am extremely humbled by this new found knowledge and I realized that I've been selfish and arrogant and just plain hurtful to people and even though I thought I was helping I wasn't. I apologize to everyone and will do my best to do better.

T-REX!!!!

Location: Kitchen
Watching: Duke/UNC then switching to Crash
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 2 of 12

So sometimes it feels good to know you aren't the only one who hasn't figured out life yet. Freaking out is allowed in moderation. I also learned that it's more important to do something that makes you happy. Hopefully I'll be an actuary the rest of my life, but who knows. All I know is that right now it seems like the right thing to do and I really enjoying doing this sort of work.

Also T-rexs rule. I love sharks, but dinosaurs are so much cooler.

I'm ok with still being a little kid at heart. I think it's good to let go once in a while and be carefree.

28 and Invincible

Location: Kitchen table
Listening to: fun.
Watching: Modern family
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: week 2 of 12

Warning: This is going to be pretty deep and religious or spiritual or whatever you'd like to call it.

I'm not afraid to say this anymore. Even though it defies all logic and everything my scientific brain tells me. I've always believed there was a God. Jesus was another story. When I was younger I had all sorts of strange things happen that made me believe. Then I got sick and I couldn't believe that someone who is all loving and died for me would allow bad things to happen to good people. To this day I've never asked, "Why me?" I never planned on asking that question because of the extreme negativity that goes along with it. Now I know "Why me?"

I can't truly express in words what I'm feeling at this moment. Here's a feeble attempt.

For those of you who know me, you will know what a huge fan I am of Andrew McMahon and his music. He's also an example of how we should all be living life. It sounds so simple, but it is something I've had a really hard time doing recently. A few months ago I met someone who turned out to be a great friend. She made me realize "Why me?" She made me realize I have a purpose. I have a disease and I can help a lot of people who also have this disease. I went through the worst of it and I'm still standing. On Monday I decided to start living life again. I didn't feel 100% and had a concert ticket to see Andrew's band Jack's Mannequin in Philly. I could have easily cancelled. I took the day off and even ate a cheesesteak (a terrible decision in hind sight.) I felt miserable all day and all night. I think I caught a cold shoveling. I couldn't let her know I was in discomfort. 2 of her favorite bands of all time were playing and I didn't want to be a buzzkill and I didn't want to let her down. It made me realize my decision to start living life again was the right decision. I had an awesome time.

At some point in our car ride I brought up one of Andrew's songs called "21 and Invincible." Some people argue that song is about being unstoppable and nothing can get in your way. I always thought the point of that song was that you think you're invincible and you aren't. It can all be taken away at any given moment. This is true. I'm an example of that. I will probably never run a marathon, but that doesn't mean I can't run a quarter mile. I realized tonight that just because you've had something taken away from you doesn't mean you should miss out on the rest of what life has to offer.

Another part of our conversation was about how being positive and having something or someone to live for really helps people. Whether it be being sick or just getting through a rough patch. To be honest, I didn't think I had anything to live for. Sad I know. My head was an absolute mess.

Warning: Some of you might not believe this next part and call me crazy or say it's because I was being positive or it was just coincidence these events happened, but I think I'm right.

Last night I was feeling depressed. I didn't understand why I could have a great day the day before and be depressed the next night. I thought about finally seeing a therapist. Then I got arrogant. I said you know what my mom and her crazy friends and these Jesus freaks would say open your heart to Jesus. Like I said, I do believe there's something bigger than me that created this world. My logic tells me I'm here and I completely believe in the big bang theory (a great show as well), but something or someone had to set it all in motion. I think I sort of believe in this one teaching of the Bahai Faith. I learned about this from Rainn Wilson (Yes, I get religious advice from Dwight Shrute.) It teaches that Jesus and these main people of other religions are all messengers and manifestations of God at different points in time to specific groups of people. Further, we are all messengers of God and all here to better the world.

I can't explain it, but before my surgery I said to God if I need surgery so be it. I can't do this anymore. I'm in your hands. I haven't been that spiritual since I was a little kid. Looking back it worked out. Was it because of science that I'm ok? 100%. I don't deny that. I don't deny that I went to one of the best surgeons in the world in one of the best hospitals in the world in the greatest city in the world. I planned that. It was part of my comfort in being positive during this ordeal. I felt like I had control in how I was going to be treated. What I can't explain is how I was relatively not nervous, even though I didn't have control. I knew I'd be out for 4 hours with no control over the result of the surgery. Friends tell me it's that I was brave or I was foolish or I am strong. It's not. I had comfort in believing everything was going to work out and if it didn't I'd deal with it. So at that point I had a strong belief in God and that something was watching over me. At that point though, I believed that Jesus was just a fictional character. I don't believe that anymore. If God wants to manifest himself in the person of Jesus, who's stopping him? I realized that my strong belief in him as the creator was the key. If he could make the world and make people, why couldn't he come as Jesus? That almost seems like a lesser task.

Back to my point. Last night I felt completely helpless and thought let's try this Jesus thing again. So I said, "God I'm ready to try again. I enjoy helping people. Even if I'm not happy, I will try to make this world a better place from this day forward." My pessimism wasn't doing anyone any good and I didn't like pessimistic Tim. So I said let me try this. I wasn't looking for a sign or looking for an improvement immediately. I honestly didn't think it would happen. What did happen was I turned on the TV and "A Beautiful Mind" was on. So I watched it. I'm a math geek and crazy. I can definitely relate to John Nash. I've seen it numerous times and own it on DVD along with the book. What I never noticed was how he literally conquered his mind. I wanted to do that. My mind and my negativity were causing my depression and holding me back from being happy. I needed to conquer it on my own. I took enough drugs for my colon and I didn't like the way they messed with my mind. So I was on a mission.

Today I went to work, feeling under the weather and had a completely vanilla day at the office. My brother had some chest pains and I was scared for him. He's so completely different from me and my parents let so much slide with him that it's mostly jealousy. Turns out he's fine and I can sleep easy tonight. I came home and talked to him and it made me realize that he sort of grew up a little today. He went for all these tests and now has a greater understanding of what I've gone through over the years. Just seeing how worked up he got over a pulled muscle and the few hours it took for the doctors to diagnose it, I think made him realize I wasn't crazy when I freaked out about having to wait for test results.

Later that night I got a text from a friend. One of my first running coaches and now I can call him a friend. He's someone I highly respect and constantly go to for advice. He's texted me that his knee problems are getting worse and he might not be able to run again ever. I thought it was a ploy to get me to start coaching again. I called him and was partially right. He mostly called to talk it out. He knows I don't coach because I can't run and can't set the example I'd like to set. I didn't want to be the fat lazy coach with the stop watch standing there barking orders. So I quit. He's coached much longer than me and truly is a great coach. So I felt comfort in knowing he expressed the same concerns. But he wasn't talking about quitting and that's what I noticed. He could have easily used this as an excuse to get out, but he didn't. He also was telling me to come back and coach, without needing to say it. I also noticed that he called to talk about potentially having something he loves taken away from him. We talked about how doctors don't understand runners. They see it as pain. It's an escape. Part of the reason for my depression is that when I used to go on long runs, I had time to figure stuff out in my mind. I don't have that same escape. I've tried alternatives, I've tried drugs, nothing compares. We talked about how he was determined to get back to running no matter what the doctors said. I think part of him made the call to just talk about how scary it is. So he told me about the plan he had mapped out. Even though he said he doesn't want to do this yet, I told him to stop wasting time with NJ doctors and go to NYC. I have the utmost faith in NYC doctors. We talked about how skiiers can have 5 knee surgeries and still win medals in the moguls at the Olympics. So someone can get him back to running.

It made me realize I do have something to live for. It felt good helping a friend. We then went on to talk about his daughters and I mentioned how I just had talked with all the former runners I used to run with. They're all in college now so when I started running they were about 10 years old on average. They were jealous of me being able to go to a concert. More importantly they know Andrew's story and truly are touched and as inspired as I am. I then went on to tell him about Andrew and that God forbid any young person should get cancer, but if he ever wanted to borrow my DVD which documents Andrew beating cancer I would gladly share it. He then asked me how my fundraising was going and I said extremely well, but that I was thinking of asking for donations to be made to my friend instead. She has Crohn's disease and is running a half marathon to raise money for the same foundation. She's not a runner and is truly inspiring and is having trouble raising funds. I also reflected on how being outspoken about the disease has raised all sort of money and sparked all sorts of conversation that I never would have expected. He said to me, "Tim, you're going to need to ask people for money you're whole life. So don't be afraid to do it now." He then asked about my exam. I told him I failed and was confident I would pass in May. He then mentioned that his brother worked for Chubb Insurance, which is one of the companies on my list. He said, "Tim, you're going to need help in this economy. My brother will get you that job. You're truly inspired to chase this dream and like me chasing my dream to get back to running. Both will happen."

Let's say God doesn't exist. Would he still be this nice? Would I still be this nice? 100% yes. I believe in the good of people. I've also seen the bad in people. Was this all just a strange coincidence? Possibly.

My answer is everything happens for a reason. In 2 seemingly bad situations, we are both working through it to get to the good on the other side. Would I ever have imagined that someone would be calling me for life advice when I was 28 years old and a complete mess? No, but it happened and I'm glad it did. I can't ignore the chain of events. I can't ignore that I asked for help and was immediately given this realization that I'm worth it and do have a reason to live. I can really make peoples' lives better and make a difference.

On a job interview I was asked to give a unique answer to the question: "Why should I hire you instead of anyone else? What makes you better?" I've been searching for my answer for months. I finally have it. My unique answer is I'm unique. I'm Tim Casey and I'm damn proud of that. I've been through a lot and I'm still standing. I help people every chance I get and have fun every chance I get and work hard every chance I get. That's what life's all about and I get that and I don't think everybody gets that. I don't have a one line answer. I can't say I'm going to be the best actuary ever. Odds are I won't be. I can't say I'm the best friend ever or the best runner ever. I can say that I'm a great person though. I honestly don't think enough people in this world can say that.

Part of me wants to apologize for this rant. Another part of me doesn't and is proud of this rant. It somehow all makes sense to me now. Will I always believe this, will things happen that change my beliefs and my opinions? Yes. That's life. What I can say is that I'm 28 and invincible.

fun.

Location: My room
Listening to: fun.
Watching: Crash
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 2 of 12

I had a lot of fun. Yesterday. I spent the day in Philly. Got to eat a cheesesteak and got to see Jack's Mannequin perform along with the band fun. Turns out fun. puts on an awesome show. I'm sort of regretting the cheesesteak decision, but hey you only live once. My stomach was killing me all night. I got back really late and was in bed by 2:15 am, but I couldn't sleep because my stomach was killing me so I called out sick today. All in all, it was fun just to take a day to myself. I should do that more often. It was nice to have a day of fun. Then today sucked again. I don't get how people can be so inconsiderate. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If you always give 100% people are disappointed if you give 99%. If you only give 20% and just once give 50% people throw you a wedding size party.

Stay Positive and Good Things Will Happen

Location: Kitchen Table
Watching: Winter Olympics
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 2 of 12 (On pace, professor is still a douche and not posting stuff up on time, so I'm doing my own thing.)

I'm trying really hard to be positive and find the good in everything. I'm going to internalize a lot of things in the next few weeks because I simply don't have the time or the energy to complain about things or people who will never change.

What I will say is this test is more than just a math test. So everyone who is being negative towards me about not passing it is no longer my friend. I went out to grab something to eat last night and ran into a good friend from high school who said, "Wow, you failed something? Have you ever failed anything before? You failed a math test?"

That having been said I realized this isn't just a math test. This is hard and needs my complete attention. I've said it before and I'm serious this time. I'm sorry if I have to say no to you, but that's the way it is. I've had to make serious sacrifices like cancelling trips to visit friends and missing a season of snowboarding and running and working out. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to work, study, and be there for every single person. So the studying is coming first. The new exam date is May 20th. So no fun for me until then.

I was watching this episode of Scrubs where Dr. Kelso tells Dr. Cox that as much as he complains about people needing him and always asking for help that he continues to do it because he enjoys it. I feel the same way. For as much as I complain it's nice to feel needed. I think that's where I'm going to have to make judgment calls. Does this person really need me at this moment or is it drama? Am I really the only person who can help this person or do I need to help myself first? There is one important person in my life who needs my help at this time. Me. I intend on being there for myself more than I've ever been.

Update

Location: Woodbridge Library
Listening to: 30 Seconds to Mars
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Anxiously waiting for my professor to post week 1's quiz in week 1 of 12

I have nothing really interesting to say. I'm on pace with my studying this time and plan on keeping it that way. I'm off to the library to study and learn fun stuff. Then it's off to the Rutgers game with Drew.

I'm not giving in

So I failed this exam, was alone for my 28th consecutive Valentine's Day, and learned that to start my new career it looks like I'm going to have to pass 2 exams to get hired. Which means another year at East Coast Title.

To be honest I don't even know why I'm writing this blog. I'm hoping that I will finally catch a break and all my hard work will go noticed.

To do that, I'm going to do something that I hate. I'm going to start living for me. I've never been a selfish individual. 2 days after having life saving surgery I was answering work phone calls. No matter how sick I was or how bad I was hurting I've always been the shoulder to cry. Not any more. There's only so much misery one man can take. Becoming an actuary is going to open so many doors and get me finally living in NYC.

A quick story. A friend of mine came up from DC to visit NYC. A week before my exam. I was freaking out because I didn't feel ready for this exam. I didn't get a chance to go visit with her. I've felt horrible ever since. I missed out on snowboarding this year. I haven't played video games in months. It all sounds silly and childish. I have to start living for me. The reason I didn't pass this exam is because I've left my cell phone one 100% of the time I've studied for this. I've answered every email, phone call, text, im, and facebook message. For some people it was completely worth it. To those few I apologize, but I know you will understand that this is what I have to do. I've helped numerous friends out of really tough times. I've also wasted a lot of time having to listen to drama.

I'm cutting drama out of my life. I've complained that in my family it's 100% acceptable for people to not help Grandma or not get stuff done around the house because they are going to a party or going to the bar or going to watch the game. Well I'm taking responsibility for that. I let it happen. I've spent too much time studying at home and I've left my phone on so I can be at the world's every beckoning call. Not anymore. It's all about learning to say no. I get taken advantage of in every aspect of my life. This is me formally saying "HELL NO LIFE!!! I'm not going to be your bitch anymore life."

Also, I'm so glad I have an iPod. People are unreliable. Music is always there for me. I was in such a bad mood all weekend and I put on Jack's Mannequin and just realized I could be back in a hospital. Then it made me realize that yes life is good because I'm not on medication and I'm not hooked up to machines. But that doesn't mean I should have to put up with pointless bullshit. I'm living again in the real world in the good US of A, where people take advantage of you every chance they get.

One positive thing is my next attempt at this exam is right before a walk I'm doing in Belmar to benefit the Crohn's and Colitis foundation. For those of you who don't really know me and have seen me ask for money or have seen that I've raised a fair amount of money, please please please give me more. It's a horrible disease that still affects me every day of my life. For those of you who think my surgery was a cure for this disease, you are 100% right. I no longer have colitis. I also no longer have a colon, which has led to a handful of other problems. It's not an appendix. Also when I speak about people I have really helped over the past few months, I'm talking about friends with Crohn's and Colitis. The only time I've felt valuable in the past few months is when I've helped them through a flare up or through a freak out because of the terrible mental effects the stronger medications have on your brain.

Sorry I deviated off topic. My point is in May I will be retaking my actuarial exam (hopefully passing it), then on May 23rd doing the walk at 5pm, and then watching the Lost series finale. Doing the walk is a huge step for me because I'm officially publicly becoming a face for a horribly embarrassing and painful chronic disease. It feels like I'm turning the page on that part of my life. Hopefully I will also be turning the pages of the rest of my life and embarking on a new career in a new place.

Another positive thing is I'm going to try to stop cursing. So if one slips out of my mouth please yell at me. (Note: This email doesn't count)

Snow Day

Location: Kitchen table
Listening to: Motion City Soundtrack "My Dinosaur Life"
Watching: The Snow fall outside
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Freaking out 4 days away from Exam (Outlook not so good)

You know you're a dork when you get a text at 7:20 am from your boss telling you to stay home because the office is closed and the first thing through your head is "Yes, I can study all day!"

That having been said, I appreciate all of the kind thoughts and words of encouragement everyone has given me, but I'm being honest. I'm not going to pass it this time. So Saturday is just going to be a test run. Then May I'll pass it and embark on a new career path as an actuary. I'm actually not afraid. I have no real experience as an actuary, but I know it's the right thing for me. I don't know how I know this. I just do.

Ok off to hit the books.

I wanna be somewhere else

I didn't think I would make it,
Thought everybody was against me
All those conquered eyes
And Christmases alone.
I never gave an honest answer
But I made a lot of angry organs.
Are we copacetic? Are we behaving now?
Filling up on endless enzymes
From other people's ugly insides
All this bitterness is starting to grow cold
Encompanies an empty evening,
Hanging onto complications
Sometimes quick sand has a massive appeal
To me

I want to be somewhere else

I think I can figure it out, but I'm gonna need a
Little help to get me
Need a little help to get me.
I think I can figure it out, but I'm gonna
Need a little help to get me through it
To get me through it

I always knew I had the answer
But I never understood the question
Indoor living
Lacerated to the bone
And now we've realigned the edges
I'm doing very well I thank you
All this sympathy is starting to wear me down
I wish I was someone else

I think I can figure it out, but I'm gonna need a
Little help to get me
Need a little help to get me.
I think I can figure it out, but I'm gonna
Need a little help to get me through it
To get me through it

I'll try to work this out
I'll try to get it on
I'll try

I like to tell you that I'm ready
For whatever's coming
But to be honest there's a part of me
That loses control

I think I can figure it out, but I'm gonna need a
Little help to get me
Need a little help to get me.

- "A Lifeless Ordinary" by Motion City Soundtrack

What does it take to be a superhero?

Things I've noticed after 20 days of 2010:

I'm a little bitter. Maybe a lot bitter.

I have great friends and family and a great support system. I've raised a lot of money with barely any money for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation.

http://online.ccfa.org/site/TR/Walk/Chapter-NewJersey?team_id=64740&pg=team&fr_id=1777

I'm still always going to be a great friend.

Advice: "The first star you see may not be a star." - SoCo

Theory: The less you do, the less people expect of you.

Proof: I constantly do favors for people. I've learned that if you are constantly giving 100% of yourself everyday, people notice when you only give 99.9%. Then they make a big deal out of how you aren't doing your best. Those same people will say make yourself happy and then you can make others happy, they mean you should stop doing favors for other people and still do everything for them.

Solution: If you only give 50% the majority of the time, then people will applaud you when you give 51%. So why should anyone ever give 100%?

If you're invisible, just wait it out. Eventually someone will need your help and freak out when they can't find the invisible man.

Girls don't like the nice guy. You at least have to be at least part douche. The higher up on the douche scale the better. Just don't be off the chart douchey because that's too much. "What does it take to be a superhero in my world. Make no mistake these villains always get the girl." - SoCo

I like hockey again. Go Devils.

Reading books about dragons is ok.

Doing math is fun. "So read your books, but stay out late some nights. Some nights, and don't think that you can't stop by the bar." - JM

I'll never be good enough for some people. It hurts more when you think you are close to those people.

I'm done letting the little things get in the way of my dreams. "Little minds let little games burn big old dreams with little flames." - SoCo

'010

So it's 2010 and I've decided to call it oh-10 and not just 10.

My new years resolutions:

-Join the Y and start working out again.

-Pass 2 actuarial exams (the first one is on February 13th, 6 weeks from today)

-Stop stressing about the little things

-Stop trying to force people to like me or be my friend. If people don't talk to me on AIM or keep in touch via email, I should not force them by emailing them.

-Play more video games

-Read more books

-Drink more water

Happy New Year everyone and I'm off to study while I watch some college basketball.