Sunday, February 28, 2010

Stay Positive and Good Things Will Happen

Location: Kitchen Table
Watching: Winter Olympics
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 2 of 12 (On pace, professor is still a douche and not posting stuff up on time, so I'm doing my own thing.)

I'm trying really hard to be positive and find the good in everything. I'm going to internalize a lot of things in the next few weeks because I simply don't have the time or the energy to complain about things or people who will never change.

What I will say is this test is more than just a math test. So everyone who is being negative towards me about not passing it is no longer my friend. I went out to grab something to eat last night and ran into a good friend from high school who said, "Wow, you failed something? Have you ever failed anything before? You failed a math test?"

That having been said I realized this isn't just a math test. This is hard and needs my complete attention. I've said it before and I'm serious this time. I'm sorry if I have to say no to you, but that's the way it is. I've had to make serious sacrifices like cancelling trips to visit friends and missing a season of snowboarding and running and working out. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to work, study, and be there for every single person. So the studying is coming first. The new exam date is May 20th. So no fun for me until then.

I was watching this episode of Scrubs where Dr. Kelso tells Dr. Cox that as much as he complains about people needing him and always asking for help that he continues to do it because he enjoys it. I feel the same way. For as much as I complain it's nice to feel needed. I think that's where I'm going to have to make judgment calls. Does this person really need me at this moment or is it drama? Am I really the only person who can help this person or do I need to help myself first? There is one important person in my life who needs my help at this time. Me. I intend on being there for myself more than I've ever been.


Saturday, February 27, 2010

Update

Location: Woodbridge Library
Listening to: 30 Seconds to Mars
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Anxiously waiting for my professor to post week 1's quiz in week 1 of 12

I have nothing really interesting to say. I'm on pace with my studying this time and plan on keeping it that way. I'm off to the library to study and learn fun stuff. Then it's off to the Rutgers game with Drew.

Monday, February 15, 2010

I'm not giving in

So I failed this exam, was alone for my 28th consecutive Valentine's Day, and learned that to start my new career it looks like I'm going to have to pass 2 exams to get hired. Which means another year at East Coast Title.

To be honest I don't even know why I'm writing this blog. I'm hoping that I will finally catch a break and all my hard work will go noticed.

To do that, I'm going to do something that I hate. I'm going to start living for me. I've never been a selfish individual. 2 days after having life saving surgery I was answering work phone calls. No matter how sick I was or how bad I was hurting I've always been the shoulder to cry. Not any more. There's only so much misery one man can take. Becoming an actuary is going to open so many doors and get me finally living in NYC.

A quick story. A friend of mine came up from DC to visit NYC. A week before my exam. I was freaking out because I didn't feel ready for this exam. I didn't get a chance to go visit with her. I've felt horrible ever since. I missed out on snowboarding this year. I haven't played video games in months. It all sounds silly and childish. I have to start living for me. The reason I didn't pass this exam is because I've left my cell phone one 100% of the time I've studied for this. I've answered every email, phone call, text, im, and facebook message. For some people it was completely worth it. To those few I apologize, but I know you will understand that this is what I have to do. I've helped numerous friends out of really tough times. I've also wasted a lot of time having to listen to drama.

I'm cutting drama out of my life. I've complained that in my family it's 100% acceptable for people to not help Grandma or not get stuff done around the house because they are going to a party or going to the bar or going to watch the game. Well I'm taking responsibility for that. I let it happen. I've spent too much time studying at home and I've left my phone on so I can be at the world's every beckoning call. Not anymore. It's all about learning to say no. I get taken advantage of in every aspect of my life. This is me formally saying "HELL NO LIFE!!! I'm not going to be your bitch anymore life."

Also, I'm so glad I have an iPod. People are unreliable. Music is always there for me. I was in such a bad mood all weekend and I put on Jack's Mannequin and just realized I could be back in a hospital. Then it made me realize that yes life is good because I'm not on medication and I'm not hooked up to machines. But that doesn't mean I should have to put up with pointless bullshit. I'm living again in the real world in the good US of A, where people take advantage of you every chance they get.

One positive thing is my next attempt at this exam is right before a walk I'm doing in Belmar to benefit the Crohn's and Colitis foundation. For those of you who don't really know me and have seen me ask for money or have seen that I've raised a fair amount of money, please please please give me more. It's a horrible disease that still affects me every day of my life. For those of you who think my surgery was a cure for this disease, you are 100% right. I no longer have colitis. I also no longer have a colon, which has led to a handful of other problems. It's not an appendix. Also when I speak about people I have really helped over the past few months, I'm talking about friends with Crohn's and Colitis. The only time I've felt valuable in the past few months is when I've helped them through a flare up or through a freak out because of the terrible mental effects the stronger medications have on your brain.

Sorry I deviated off topic. My point is in May I will be retaking my actuarial exam (hopefully passing it), then on May 23rd doing the walk at 5pm, and then watching the Lost series finale. Doing the walk is a huge step for me because I'm officially publicly becoming a face for a horribly embarrassing and painful chronic disease. It feels like I'm turning the page on that part of my life. Hopefully I will also be turning the pages of the rest of my life and embarking on a new career in a new place.

Another positive thing is I'm going to try to stop cursing. So if one slips out of my mouth please yell at me. (Note: This email doesn't count)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Snow Day

Location: Kitchen table
Listening to: Motion City Soundtrack "My Dinosaur Life"
Watching: The Snow fall outside
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Freaking out 4 days away from Exam (Outlook not so good)

You know you're a dork when you get a text at 7:20 am from your boss telling you to stay home because the office is closed and the first thing through your head is "Yes, I can study all day!"

That having been said, I appreciate all of the kind thoughts and words of encouragement everyone has given me, but I'm being honest. I'm not going to pass it this time. So Saturday is just going to be a test run. Then May I'll pass it and embark on a new career path as an actuary. I'm actually not afraid. I have no real experience as an actuary, but I know it's the right thing for me. I don't know how I know this. I just do.

Ok off to hit the books.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I wanna be somewhere else

I didn't think I would make it,
Thought everybody was against me
All those conquered eyes
And Christmases alone.
I never gave an honest answer
But I made a lot of angry organs.
Are we copacetic? Are we behaving now?
Filling up on endless enzymes
From other people's ugly insides
All this bitterness is starting to grow cold
Encompanies an empty evening,
Hanging onto complications
Sometimes quick sand has a massive appeal
To me

I want to be somewhere else

I think I can figure it out, but I'm gonna need a
Little help to get me
Need a little help to get me.
I think I can figure it out, but I'm gonna
Need a little help to get me through it
To get me through it

I always knew I had the answer
But I never understood the question
Indoor living
Lacerated to the bone
And now we've realigned the edges
I'm doing very well I thank you
All this sympathy is starting to wear me down
I wish I was someone else

I think I can figure it out, but I'm gonna need a
Little help to get me
Need a little help to get me.
I think I can figure it out, but I'm gonna
Need a little help to get me through it
To get me through it

I'll try to work this out
I'll try to get it on
I'll try

I like to tell you that I'm ready
For whatever's coming
But to be honest there's a part of me
That loses control

I think I can figure it out, but I'm gonna need a
Little help to get me
Need a little help to get me.

- "A Lifeless Ordinary" by Motion City Soundtrack