A Million and One Thanks

Location: My bed
Listening to: "Caves" by Jack's Mannequin

Watching: N/A
Reading: Eragon by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Part 6 of 6 in week 2 of 11

The point of this blog entry is simply to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who helped me through an extremely difficult part of my life. I want to thank those of you who didn't even know I was sick and made my life worth living. I especially want to thank those of you who knew I was sick and treated me the same as before I was diagnosed and were ultimately my support system when I was.

For those who didn't know when I was 20 I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. When I was 25 and after trying every medication available and visits to the best doctors in the world at Mt. Sinai in Manhattan, we made a decision to surgically remove my colon and make a j-pouch to act as a colon.

For those of you who know me closely I am a big music fan and Something Corporate and Jack's Mannequin are 2 of my favorite bands. I was lucky enough (again through the help of a friend) to be able to meet Andrew McMahon, the front man of both bands, this past Monday. It was nothing more than a meet and greet with 30 or so other fans. He might remember me as Adam's friend, but nothing more than that. When I found out I had the opportunity to meet him I tried to think of what I wanted to say to him. I couldn't be concise and everything I wanted to say would have probably taken 30 minutes to get out so I said simply said nothing worthwhile. For those of you who don't know Andrew's story he beat leukemia.

He's someone I idolize for the way he has handled his situation and the way he lives life. Just being in his presence was awesome. Since I couldn't think of the right words I decided the best thing to do was to help him feel normal so I treated him more like a rockstar than a cancer survivor. Since the day I was diagnosed, the days I cherish the most are the days when I just feel normal for as long as possible.

As soon as I left I knew exactly what I should have said. The next time I get to meet him I simply want to say thank you. "Thank you for being there in my iPod the countless hours I was in a hospital bed or getting a treatment or home recovering."

I remember one day I was in Overlook Hospital's Oncology Department getting a treatment. My dad was with me and these old women who were getting chemo were just so nice to me since they thought I was fighting cancer. Obviously I was new and had my hair so they were giving me blankets and other stuff like magazines and books and it was so nice. Looking back and hearing Andrew talk about his Dear Jack foundation I know appreciate all I've been through and I want to try to pay everything forward. Anyway, I remember I was listening to Something Corporate and ignoring my dad. I find one of the hardest things to deal with is making people sad. When you're alone in a hospital room you miss people and want the people that are important in your life next to you. The difficult thing is having them there and seeing sad looks on their faces. Seeing that look on the faces of my parents or brother or really anyone you care about that hurts more than any pain I've ever felt. Anyway back to the treatment on that particular day with my 3 blankets (even though I didn't want any blankets) and my dad reading one of his books. I remember SoCo was playing in my ears and I wanted to shut out the world so it was just me and Andrew and the Spanish Channel so I could watch a World Cup Soccer Match (it was Argentina and someone else). I remember looking around the room and seeing good in people and realizing that no matter how bad a situation is it's always worse for someone else. Andrew's music is so positive that I have also tried to be as positive as possible although I don't always succeed at that.

Back to the concert, I know he doesn't realize what he did, but he looked at me when he saw I was singing his song "The Resolution" and that meant a lot. It could have totally been in my mind, but he looked at me multiple times during that song. Some of the lyrics of that song are "Yeah I'm alive, but I don't need a witness to know that I survived. I'm not looking for forgiveness. Yeah, I just need the light. I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution."

I've spent the last 2 nights "searching for the resolution" so to speak. I haven't been able to sleep because my mind has just been racing trying to figure this out. I figured it out thanks to youtube. I saw an interview with Andrew where he put it all in perspective for me and justified my thoughts. He was talking about his song "Caves" and he said that having a cancer battle is like a symphony and that's what he was going for with that song. It was being diagnosed, then fighting, and finally reconciling what you've been through. It's so simple, but it was that reconciling process that had me hung up. "It's not about being sick, it's about getting well." I don't think anything says it better than that. "It's still real here on the other side and now we're back to real living and having to reconcile that. It was a hard thing to reconcile, it was a hard thing to reconcile, but I think I'm pretty reconciled about it."

I guess the last piece of this entry is something that I've learned is the best way to make someone feel better is to just act normally. As hard as that is, I can honestly say the best memories in the hospital are when friends come and are just normal and don't ask you what the doctors are doing tomorrow or how the food was. I remember it was the day after my surgery I had 3 really good friends in my room and my parents had left and there was maybe 30 minutes before visiting hours were over and the nurse said hello to them and they could stay for 30 minutes, but she wouldn't tell if they wanted to stay late. Then they got "waxed in" my room. It literally was like being on Scrubs, no one could get in or out of my room for an hour or so until the wax dried. I think that was my favorite night in the hospital.

Finally keep your calendars open on May 23rd. I'll be organizing a team to do a walk on the boardwalk in Belmar. So once I set it up you can join me. It's to benefit the Crohn's and Colitis foundation and if that's not enough the team name is TCFS. Tim's Colitis Fighting Squad will have the coolest team shirts ever.

In short, thanks.