The Incurable Optimist

Location: Home
Watching: USMNT international friendly vs. Germany
Reading: Always Looking Up by Michael J. Fox
Progress: Cisco ICND1
Video Game: Bioshock Infinite

My medication isn't work like it's supposed to and I've been dealing with a lot of deaths and injuries lately.  So I've been going through a bunch of emotions.  The somewhat ironic thing is that in the time that all of these horrible things have happened, I was reading the book Always Looking Up by Michael J. Fox. It is subtitled the Adventures of the Incurable Optimist.  So luckily I have for the most part been dealing with it well.  I have great friends who have helped me with the not so great times.

I keep keeping frustrated.  In this book MJF's wife is there to support him every step of the way.  Truly demonstrating "through good times and in bad."  I am jealous to not have something like that in my life, but luckily I have 2 things that take its place.  Great friends who are extremely helpful and always there to listen and a renewed love for running.  Running was a stress release unlike no other and something that I've definitely taken for granted.  It's times like these when I have to shut it down until we get this disease under control that I truly miss it.  When I am able to run again, I have to start training and have to get back to my goal of running a sub 20 5K.  If you told me in high school that one of my goals would be to sub 7 miles I'd laugh at you and tell you that you made a typo.  Right now it's an extremely daunting task.  I had thought about setting the goal at sub 8, but screw it.  I know I have to run sub 9 before I can run sub 8, but sub 8 is not my goal.  Sub 7 is. 

Right now it's mostly a mental issue, but I am being optimistic and realizing that if I actually start getting in shape and eating right and taking care of myself that it will help me not only accomplish this goal, but will ultimately allow me to be in better health to fight this disease.

Wallflower

Location: Woodbridge Public Library
Listening to: The Fray
Reading: Ender's Game by O.Scott Card
Certification: Cisco ICND1 Module 1 Lesson 5
Video Game: Bioshock Infinite

First of all, it's Mother's Day and my brother and I took my mom and grandma out to breakfast at the Reo Diner in Woodbridge.  I will always be a Jersey boy and there is nothing better than diner food for breakfast. 

For the past few weeks my head has been a mess.  I just have so much stuff on my mind and I just needed to take a deep breathe and figure out.  There's a really good part of the movie "The Art of Getting By," when Sally says, "You think too much."  That's my problem I think to much.  I blame my brain for never taking a break and not being able to focus on one thing because it wants to do a million things at once. 

I've been watching a lot of artsy/emo movies.  I don't know what the actual genre is called, but the movies are "It's Kind of a Funny Story," "The Art of Getting By," and last night I saw "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" for the first time.  This morning I watched it again.  I really liked it. 

Yesterday I was in the library and listened to all of the Dave Matthews playing with Tim Reynolds albums that I have on my ipod.  It got me remembering high school and college and how many DMB shows I went to. They were so much fun. 

I was taken back to a night that I haven't thought of in a long time, a DMB concert at Citifield.  I was thinking wow that was the best night of my life.  Looking back it was an awesome night, but I won't say the best night of my life.  I don't think I've had that night yet.  Also I had so many awesome nights that were just my friends and I hanging around, figuring out life. 

The picture above is from that night at Citifield.  My friend Adam on the left was cool enough to get us a suite for the show.  The guy on the right is Jon from one of my favorite bands.  He is legitimately one of the nicest guys on the planet.  I've hung out with him a few times and he's really cool.  The point of this story is I've been feeling really down about things recently.  Remembering that night made me smile.  It was one of those nights that I remember every detail of every second of that night.  I remember talking with Jon about music, baseball, and life while we were tailgating.  I remember it was so hot and we had the air conditioned suite.  So we went in early and I remember everyone was waiting in the suite and Jon and I saw in the seats over looking CitiField.  We were just silent and taking it in when I broke the silence and asked him what it's like to play in front of this many people and if he likes that better than playing a small basement show.  The answer was long and complex and awesome.  Fast forward to midway through the show and I was just sitting there taking it all in and Jon came over and said, "Can I sit here? I have a bottle of Jack."  So we just sat there and talked and drank out of the bottle of Jack.  (Note: Partying like a rockstar is no joke.  I definitely did some fake swigs from that bottle of Jack.)  This one girl in our suite kept looking our way and I said "You're going to sleep with her aren't you?"  He said, "Why?  Are you into her?"  I told him no.  He said, "You know you could if you wanted to.  You just have to go talk to her."  We talked a little more and he basically told me I was cool and passed the bottle of Jack to me and got up and went to talk to her.

Back to "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."  There are so many great quotes from that movie.  I can't wait to read the book.  It's 2nd on my list.  I have to read Catcher in the Rye first, which is also in that movie.  The DMB concert story is relevant because it reminded me of this part of the movie. 

Patrick: Hey, everyone! Every body! Everyone, raise your glasses to Charlie.
Charlie: What did I do?
Patrick: You didn't do anything. We just want to toast to our new friend. You see things and you understand. You're a wallflower.
[Charlie gets embarrassed]
Patrick: What is it? What's wrong?
Charlie: I didn't think anyone noticed me.
Patrick: Well we didn't think there was anyone cool left to meet! So come on everyone. To Charlie!

It's nice when I am noticed for how great I am and appreciated.  It's even better when you don't expect it.  I try really hard not to be noticed and to fly under the radar and really hard to be cool and noticed at the same time if that makes any sense.

There is also a major character flaw that I have that I need to fix.  It's mostly because I'm terrified of opening up to anyone.  I'm working on it.  “It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too.” is the quote from Wallflower.  In "The Art of Getting By," there is a scene where George tells Sally that he thought she was being unfair, but he realized that it was actually him who was being unfair for not telling her how he really felt about her.  Like I said, I'm working on it.   It was pretty great to realize that though.  Part of the mess in my head is all these feelings that I internalize that I just expect people to be able to read my mind like book and figure it out.  I have to stop being disappointed in other people not realizing how I feel if I don't externalize it.  That's not going to be easy but I'll work on it. 

Some other really great quotes from "The Perks of Being a Wallflower":

I feel infinite.

Dear Friend, I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile, but I've been trying hard to not be a loser.

My life is officially an after school special.

Charlie: So, you're not scared of me?
Sam: No.
Charlie: So, we can be friends again?
Sam: Of course!
[She hugs him]
Sam: C'mon. Lets go be psychos together!

Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?
Bill: Are we talking about anyone specific?
[Charlie nods]
Bill: We accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we make them know they deserve more?
Bill: We can try.

You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think it counts as love.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how could that be.

My doctor said we can't choose where we come from but we can choose where we go from there. I know it's not all the answers but it was enough to start putting these pieces together.

Welcome to the island of misfit toys.

Boston Thoughts

Location: Woodbridge Public Library
Listening to: Taking Back Sunday
Reading: Ender's Game by O.Scott Card
Study Progress: Cisco ICND1 Module 1 Lesson 3
Video Game: BioShock Infinite

Whenever there is tragedy my brain goes into over drive.  I first want to say that my prayers are with all of the victims and their families.  I think one thing that was overlooked, which is now being discussed is those that were injured.  I don't think I realized what being injured by an IED truly means.  I love sports, an injury by an athlete is something that you rehab back from and try to come back from better than before in a physical sense.  The injuries from the Boston Marathon aren't these types of injuries.  People (including children) have lost limbs.  Even though they will recover and I'm sure will have amazing lives, some of them will have to make drastic life changes.

I saw this great meme that said "You just pissed off a lot of people who run faster than you and never give up."  I hate that when I'm sad or depressed it takes something like this to make me realize that life is great and there is always someone who is worse off than me.  That having been said, I love running.  It has taught me to never give up.  It might be the only true thing I can honestly say I love.  It has taught me so much, including that you can accomplish so much more than what you realize.  When you think that you've reached your limit, you can actually go beyond it.  The other thing is you are in control of your destiny.  Running is so amazing because its fundamentals parallel those in so many aspects of life and I'm always finding a new way to relate it to life.  The most recent one is that I have to take care of myself.  No one is going to make me get better.  I help many people get better, but they do the work.  I have to start doing the work.  I'm starting a 4 week training plan tomorrow.  It'll be me at the beginning and me at the end.  Along the way, there might be people who run with me, and help me along the way, but at the end of the day it'll be me alone smiling.  Then about 2 seconds later I'll be content, but trying to figure out how I can do better next time. The hardest thing to deal with in my own life is that I'm always trying to improve myself so I don't appreciate that every day I learn something new or am better in some way.  I'm always looking ahead.  Sometimes I have to stop, take a deep breathe and look at where I was and where I am right now in this moment.

Morning Person

Location: Home
Listening to: Silence
Reading: Ender's Game by O.Scott Card Study
Progress: Cisco ICND1 Module 2 Lesson 1, Labs : 3/20
Video Game: Mass Effect 1

I finally accomplished one of my goals this morning.  I woke up and did a work out at 6 am.  It has taken many days of trying to wake up early and not being able to do it.  Yesterday I was up at 6:45, today I was actually up at 5:50 and decided not to go back to sleep.  It sounds easy, but the only time I ever was a morning person was in Ireland when I spent thousands of dollars on that trip and wasn't going to miss a single thing.  I expected to wake up this morning sore from yesterdays workout but I wasn't.  It makes me think I should increase the number of reps, but I'm going to stick with what I have scheduled.  As a coach when I write a training schedule for other people, the first 2 weeks the athlete always laughs and me and says I can do these workouts in my sleep.  I always say prove it.  It's easy to do one of them, but to work out for 2 weeks in a row and stick to a schedule is easy to see on paper, but with life's obstacles it is always more difficult. 

I start coaching again on in 2 weeks.  I'm not in the shape I was hoping to be at this point, but I'm feeling good that I'll be able to get to a decent level of fitness by that date if I stick to my 2 week plan. 

I'm very excited for my next Cisco Certification class which starts tomorrow.  I am disappointed in myself for not having sat for the first exam yet, but I am very happy with the work I've put in the last 2 weeks.  I really enjoy this stuff and hope to sit for that exam in 3 weeks and pass it on the first try.  That would put me on pace to hopefully take the next one shortly after that and be CCNA certified by mid-May.  I thought about pushing this class back, but I'm glad I'm going to get everything out of the way before coaching starts. 

I haven't decided if I'm going to start a running blog or maybe a website to post the cool things I find and learn along the way with running and training, but here's something I saw the other day that I liked.

13 Things I Hate About Running

Even elites like Shalane Flanagan have their pet peeves.

I love running, but as much as I love my sport, there are some days when I lack motivation and I would prefer to complain. Here are some reasons I HATE running sometimes:

1. Nasty feet: Ugly toenails that are black and 3D-shaped, blisters, calluses or just no toenail at all.

2. When I try to snot rocket and it goes down my face or on my shoe.

3. Chafing: armpits, groin....etc.

4. When I pass a man and he tries to race me.

5. Running in really windy conditions so it feels like you're standing still.

6. Tan lines that look like you're still wearing shorts and a sports bra. (This makes wearing a cute sundress or bikini almost impossible.)

7. Doing laundry every couple days because I run twice a day.

8. Running when all I want to do is eat and sleep and stay snuggled under a nice comfy blanket.

9. Being hungry all the time.

10. Getting out of bed in the morning and walking like an old granny because I'm so stiff.

11. GI distress when there are no bathrooms!

12. Getting back into shape, when every run feels like a death march.

13. Feeling like I'm missing out on family vacations because I have to train.

Personally #11 is the thing I hate the most about running.  I never know if it's my Crohn's disease acting up or something I ate or just having discomfort from a run.  Then I start to stress about what it can be so that just makes it worse.  That's another reason I didn't increase the reps today.  Slow and steady until my body adjusts to the current workload and then I'll increase it more.

Ok, time to start my day at 7:15 am.  I hopefully will be a lot more productive when I become a morning person.

Girls

Location: Home
Watching: "Girls"
Reading: Ender's Game by O.Scott Card Study
Progress: Cisco ICND1 Module 1 Lesson 5
Video Game: Mass Effect 1

I've been feeling very lonely recently.  It really sucks liking someone who doesn't like you back.  I just have to stick to my plan of getting healthy, getting better at my job, and saving up to buy a house. 

"She's like a carnival game, you know.  It all seems so simple and then you can't get the ring on the bottle because it's f****** rigged. so you try and try and try until you drive yourself nuts and then finally when you walk away you realize you didn't even want the crappy prize to begin with."
- Adam Sackler

Goals

Location: Woodbridge Public Library
Listening to: People and Things by Andrew McMahon
Reading: Ender's Game by O.Scott Card Study
Progress: Cisco ICND1 Module 1 Lesson 5
Video Game: Mass Effect 1

I'm back. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but it's very therapeutic to get my thoughts and feelings out. So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm really proud of myself for finally waking up early. Not as early as I'd like, but at least I didn't stay in bed until mid-afternoon. I've slowly been trying to go to bed earlier each night so I could wake up at 6am to start working out before work. I started keeping a health journal a few weeks ago so I can easily track things like weight and sleep schedules. I wish I could say I stuck to my plan of going to bed 15 minutes earlier each night and waking up 15 minutes earlier, but I haven't. Last night I was up late, but I decided to suck it up and wake up early.

I was up at my usual weekday time of 7:45am, but I actually got out of bed and did a workout. I really want to start cross training for a triathlon. I joined the YMCA this week and I really want to do this the right way. This morning's workout was a good reminder that I NEED to do this the right way. I did 2 sets of exercises that used to be so easy I would get bored. I'm out of shape. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'll get back. The short term goal is to be in good enough shape to coach in mid-March. I'd like to be able to finish my first road race in years, the Colonia 5K on April 13th.

The main reason I started blogging again is in December I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. The odd thing was I wasn't upset by this diagnosis. I knew there was something wrong with me so it was a relief to know that a.) I wasn't crazy and b.) it wasn't cancer. I absolutely can handle this disease. It's annoying and inconvenient at times, but manageable. That doesn't mean I don't have panic attacks and feel like this thing is going to put me in the hospital some day. Yesterday I tried opening up to a friend of mine and I stopped. I watched the movie "Friends with Benefits" the other day and Justin Timberlake's character says he doesn't like the look on people's faces when they look at his dad, who has Alzheimer's. I don't like that look on people's faces when I see them look at me with that look. I recently realized that I'm completely comfortable talking about this disease to a certain extent, but I will be looking at the floor when I'm talking about it. Every day is a challenge. I have to live every day though so I do. One of my favorite metaphors is of course something from Jack's Mannequin. It will be my first tattoo when I figure out how to make it look cool enough to permanently be on my body and how to make it not an album title tattoed on my arm. I'm a Glass Passenger. This disease has made me somewhat fragile, but I refuse to be a glass figurine on display somewhere. I'm a passenger on this great journey called life.

I recently realized that years ago when I start this blog that I was smarter than I realized. By including the book I'm reading, what I'm studying, and what video game I'm playing is actually helping me accomplish short term goals which ultimately will lead to long term goals.

I really enjoy my life most days. I enjoy the work I do and the people I work with. I took this job as a tech in Woodbridge Township's IS department as a temporary job. The pay wasn't what I wanted, but the benefits are amazing. I also have been able to live at home and actually save money. It turns out that I really enjoy the work that I do. I also really enjoy how much more there is to learn. I love math and always will, but I realized that it wasn't I didn't enjoy studying or that I was too lazy to do the work. I felt like I was doing a jigsaw puzzle without knowing what the picture was. I have no doubt I would have completed the puzzle and seen the picture, but I was having trouble seeing it. I'm currently studying for my first Cisco Certification, Cisco Certified Entry Networking Technician (CCENT). It's not easy, but it's made easier because I can see the practical use at my current job and I can see where it can take me.

This job also allows me time to do things for me. Saving money for my house, becoming politically active, tutoring math, reading, coaching, studying, playing video games, learning how to play chess, learning how to playing guitar. All of these are things I'd like to accomplish. I found it extremely helpful to write down my goals. Seeing my short term goals and how they will help me achieve dreams makes them easier to accomplish. It also helps make them seem less overwhelming and helps keep me on target.

My short term goals are:
Get CCENT certified
Get back in shape
Maintain a healthy weight
Save money
Buy Saucony Virrata sneakers
Beat Mass Effect 1
Watch Breaking Bad
Finish Ender's Game
Be able to beat the computer at chess
Build up calluses to be able to play guitar Help council and senators/assemblymen get elected/re-elected

My mid term goals are:
Get CCNA certified
Run a 5K
Buy a Macbook Pro with Retina Display
Beat Mass Effect 2
Read Game of Thrones
Learn intermediate chess techniques
Commit guitar chords to memory
Complete and frame NY Giants Puzzle

My long term goals are:
Get A+ certified
Get Network+ certified
Get MCSA/MCSE certified
Complete a triathalon
Buy a house
Learn advanced chess techniques
Learn to play the piano

"If it's just a song to keep us in the universe
When the wars are waging
I will be strong
There's no chance we can lose this fight
With the love that I'm facing
With a note so long
When the morning comes we'll know the truth
The sun will forever keep rising."
- Andrew McMahon "Keep Rising"

Find Your Strong!!

I started getting back in shape and started running again. It's a lot harder than when I was in high school. It's annoying to have to do the little things such as do core workouts and lift weights and strengthen different muscles and ease back into it so I don't hurt myself again. I'll get back though.

I saw an interview with Steve Nash from the Phoenix Suns. He was asked how he still is able to play at such a high level at 38 years old. The point he made was always stay active. His point was as long as your active, your organs stay active, and overall you feel better. It is so much easier to suck it up and stay active than it is to get back into shape after being lazy. I'm learning that the hard way. I'll get back though.

2 friends remind me of this. Both are college teammates of mine and Boston Marathon qualifiers. One is a doctor friend of who ran marathons when he was in med school and still runs at a competitive level. The other is a mother of 3 who won her most recent marathon and is one of the faces of Saucony's "FIND YOUR STRONG" campaign. http://vimeo.com/39777236

They have the 2 most important and time consuming jobs on this earth: doctor and mother. If they can find time to not only stay fit, but to excel at such a high level, why can't I? I'll get back. I'll find my strong.

2012 Fortune Cookie

Location: My room
Watching: Georgetown/St. John's
Reading: A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin
Study Progress: Week 1 of 14

My 2012 New Years Resolutions are to start running again, get certified in multiple things, and be more of an optimist.

I just got my new sneakers, found a good training program, and had every intention of running this morning. I woke up at 8:30 and it was 17 degrees and very windy... I'll try again tomorrow.

I did go to church this morning. Optimism leveled up (+1).

Somedays I wish I was one of those people who knew the wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or accountant. Otherdays I'm glad I don't know, it frequently forces me to stop and evaluate where I'm at and where I want to be. Luckily I've narrowed it down to 3 things, all of which are obtainable. (Sidenote: I just looked up obtainable vs. attainable and I can't tell the difference.)

a.) Stay where I'm at and learn as much as I can to get promoted when someone retires.

b.) Finally take the actuarial exams.

c.) Get certified in GIS. (Geographical Information Systems, think Google Earth)

(Learning Java, SQL, and Python will help me in a, b, and c.)

I got a really good fortune from a fortune cookie this weekend.

"When in doubt, just take the next small step." - fortune cookie
One of the lucky numbers on this was 11 (my favorite number and birthday)

I have no idea what the next small step is so I'm just going to do every small step I need to do to accomplish all of my possible careers. The priest today talked about listening for God's calling and about being prepared for when that calling comes. I realized that I've been lazy and have been waiting for something to happen, but that I haven't been doing my part.

Great 30th Year!

I've decided to do something great as I embark towards my 30th birthday. I always thought it would have happened by now, but it didn't so it will happen in the up and coming year. As I get ready to go out celebrating with my great friends, I realize there are 2 friends that I'm missing. I know Mitch would be buying me a drink at Fox and Jake would have some great comment posted on my wall. It makes me realize how lucky I am to have lived for 29 years and done the things I have done up until this point. It also makes me realize that I can do more. I can be a better person. I can always strive to better myself. While I was remembering my friends I couldn't help, but find the beauty in this world. I am going to be an uncle. Cheesy with the whole with death comes rebirth sort of thing, and perhaps just odd timing, but nevertheless a great thing and I'm so happy for my cousin and her husband. Uncle Tim. I'm glad I have my dad's name because Uncle Tim doesn't sound weird at all since my dad has been called that for years.

There's plenty of fish in the sea.

I watched the movie "500 Days of Summer" tonight for the first time. I love this movie. I will probably never watch it again, but I did really get a lot out of it. There are girls in my past who have been great friends who I could have been romantically involved with and for whatever reason I wasn't. Most of the time I was afraid of taking a chance and ruining a friendship. After joining the dating site Plenty of Fish and having only 2 girls look at my profile in the first week, I was really depressed and afraid that my worst fears were true. I'm not an attractive guy and it's clear that I'm also not interesting and that a stupid dating site isn't where I need to be finding girls. I think this is true. I need to just go with the flow. If I'm friends with a girl, I can't be afraid of being friends with her and if something romantic happens along the way great. If it doesn't that's fine too. If I get my heart broken, then so what. It's happened tons of time before. I have to just accept that I'm a great person and sometimes that spark just isn't there and there's nothing I can do to change that. No matter how much I want to change it or try to change it, it just won't. There's that spark that is magical that you just can't make. It just needs to happen. I really like how that movie ends. It makes me realize that life goes on and I laughed when I started thinking to myself, there are plenty of fish in the sea. What a good name for a dating website. I also don't think it's me being a hopeless romantic, but I just don't think a dating website is for me. I don't think the type of girl I'll end up falling in love with will be a girl that goes on a dating website. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and hope to run into her one day.

I also still refuse to believe everything happens for a reason. I do believe that you need to sometimes take a deep breath and look at life from a different point of view. I decided my next move in life is going to be a computer geek. I have 6 years of experience in the industry and while I feel I'm not as qualified because I don't have any Microsoft Certifications, I decided to get some. When I went on the website I noticed with the launch of Windows 7, there are all new certifications and the old certifications are outdated. So really I'm on a somewhat even playing field!!! I also realized that I have many connections in the tech field and have had job opportunities come my way that I've passed up and I shouldn't have.

Also, as of right now. I really think I want to start running and getting in shape aain.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Something that I've heard too often recently is "Everything Happens for a Reason." For 28 years I've believed that. Last week I realized I don't believe that and never will. I believe there are weird coincidences and strange things happen in this world. Maybe somethings happen for a reason, but it can't be simplified to everything happens for a reason. Losing 2 friends in accidents in a 12 day period makes me believe there is no reason why that happened. No reason you give me will ever be good enough. I simply wish people would say "I know it sucks and it will never make sense, but try to be positive and make the best of a bad situation." I also realized that basically the only way I want to live life is to make the best of every situation. When things are going good I have to remember to still make the best of these good situations. You can always make things better, even if they're great.

That having been said my aunt's dog died suddenly. This is no way related to "Everything Happens for a Reason." It was a dog. Dogs die. Things happen in 3 I guess. I house and dog sat for my aunt and uncle when they would go away. It made me sad that not more people got to know my aunt's dog. He was a golden retriever and very hyperactive. So at family functions he couldn't come out to play. He was a great dog though. I hope my aunt gets a new one soon. Although I know she'll wait a few years. Puppies are fun.

Bros before hoes

Location: Backyard Listening to: Kid Dynamite Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini Study Progress: Week 8 of 12

There is nothing better than hanging out with good friends. I've had to learn the hard way that I really need to cherish moments with my good friends, because life is short and it could be the last time. That having been said I always have been a pretty good judge of character and I need to stop chasing after girls who I know are wrong for me. That time could be better spent hanging out with the people that actually do matter.

For those of you who don't know, I lost 2 friends in 12 days. I wouldn't say they were my closest friends, but they were really nice and awesome guys who I'm proud to call friends. I blogged about Jake earlier and Mitch was a great guy too and taken from us too young.

Love life hardcore

Location:Library
Listening to:fun.
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 7 of 12



On Sunday a friend of mine died suddenly. He wasn't one of my close friends, but we kept in touch from time to time. It really hit me a lot harder than I was expecting. It's a tribute to the life he lived and how special he was and that in only a short time he made such a huge impact on the world. I am trying to take away something positive from this. It made me realize I have been a poser. I said I was going to start living life. I wasn't I was hiding from life in a library. I learned I need to adjust my life. I have great friends and not being able to experience things with them because I'm in the library is a waste of time. I'm not giving up on my dream of becoming an actuary. I'm just not going to stress anymore. If I study and I'm not ready in time for the exam I'll just keep doing what I do and take it the next time it's offered. Jake, I will never thank you for helping me realize this because I'd rather have you here telling me about a new band I check out or show me how just being me is more than being cool. Jake loved life hardcore. Thanks DBY for that awesome saying. So simple and yet so accurate. He was in a band called Dreams Forever Drowning. Looking back I find that ironic. He lived life hardcore. His dreams were far from drowning. I'd also like to take this time to apologize to anyone I had to cancel plans with because of this stupid exam. It won't happen again.

Penny

Location: Work
Listening to: The Format
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 8 of 12

Just a quick update. I realized something. I am Leonard searching for my Penny. It's just so stupid. If you watch the Big Bang Theory, Penny is a exactly the type of girl I chase after for all the wrong reasons. She's hot and that's about it. She appears to be interested in Leonard, but is only using him to pass the time while she's waiting for the high school quarterback to break up with the head cheerleader. I mean Leonard goes above and beyond the call of duty to impress Penny, finally gets her to be his girlfriend, then says I love you and she says thanks and realizes she can never love him. Why do I continue to chase after this type of girl instead of trying to pick up a girl at the library?

Irked

It truly irks me that I can never truly please some people. It also amazes me how people think studying for this exam is stressing me out, when in reality it's everything else I have to do which is preventing me from studying that is upsetting me. I also hate feeling like I'm wrong for taking a day to myself. Why is it ok for everyone else in this world to enjoy life but me? Time for some change. Off to Barnes and Noble instead of the library.

The Greeks were well educated.

"Women are always a complication and a difficulty in the lives of men." - Orestes

Being great

Location: My room
Watching: Parks and Recreation
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 5 of 12

Most people want to be great. Today I don't want to be great. I'm definitely overreacting about this, but tonight my mother told me my 17 year old cousin is in the hospital with severe stomach pains. There's a possibility that he has Crohn's or Colitis. I talked with a friend who told me that I'm jumping to conclusions. She's right, but also said that it's good that my family has me in the event he does have it. I've recently learned that I'm great at helping people cope with this disease by just offering my story and listening to what they have to say. Part of me wants to say I don't wish that I was great at this and that I was great at something else like playing baseball, but I don't actually want that. I realized that if I don't want to be great at talking with people about this disease that I have to do everything I can to raise awareness and raise money for research and treatments so we can find a cure and then I don't have to help people cope. No one should have to suffer and my teenage cousin shouldn't have to spend the night in a hospital.

Please don't let me face my generation alone

Location: My room
Listening to: fun.
Reading: Eldest by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Week 5 of 12

You know when you just are feeling a certain way and there's a song out there that perfectly expresses how you feel.

Here is that scenario with a song called "All the Pretty Girls" by fun.

Every single night ends up the same,
I don't say much at all, but I bring up your name.
(Over and over and over)
I think it's striking me out.

All the pretty girls on a Saturday night
Let it be, and come to me with the look in your eyes.
Will you break and take all the words from my mouth?
I wish all the pretty girls were shaking me down.
But not you,
you still wear boots and your hair is too long
and then this one doesn't want to admit she's fallen in love
Oh c'mon, oh c'mon, what's a boy to do
When all the pretty girls can't measure to you.

I don't understand your reasons
Please just stay over the weekend
You can't take all those things
They define you and me
everything we've become,
You're all that I need
Please don't make me face my generation alone.


Another fun lyric from a different song called "Be Calm" made me take a deep breath and go pick up my book.

if only I could find my people or my place in life
a when they come a'carolin'
so loud, so bright, the theremin
will lead us to a chorus
where we'll all rejoice and sing a song that goes:

Oh be calm.
Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Be calm.
Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive
and everything's wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes
Be calm.

21 and invincible

Tonight I went to a fundraising meeting for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation. It was a free dinner and they gave out fundraising advice. i was dreading having to tell my story and having to hear other peoples' stories. I sat at a table by myself and this family sat with me and it turns out their 11 year old daughter, Madison, was diagnosed "way back" when she was 10. The foundation honors a local hero every year and they picked her this year. She truly is one of the most inspiring people I've ever met. There's something so great about youth. As I was telling my story I noticed how full of life and invincible she was. Even though she was an 11 year old with a chronic disease that I know the effects of all too well. As I told my story to a table full of eager listeners, I found myself quoting one of my heroes. Andrew McMahon. I told them how I was so lucky to be diagnosed at 20 and not 10. They asked me how I coped with it and if I made dietary changes and I said, "I didn't make any changes. I was 21 and invincible. I ate as much taco bell and drank as much beer as possible." Then I laughed as I realized I quoted Andrew who wrote a song called "21 and Invincible." It made me realize that even though I thought the disease made me realize I have limitations that was all wrong. This disease is awful and just slowed me down and made things more difficult. It was my own brain that was holding me back from achieving my goals. Nothing can hold you back, but yourself. If an 11 year old girl who needs to take iron supplements and frequently goes to the bathroom and has to bring a change of clothes with her to her dance lessons and her basketball practices and can live a completely normal life as an 11 year old, then so can I. Probably the funniest part of tonight was when she read her letter that she's sending out to people to get donations. She mentioned how the worst part of this disease besides having to use public restrooms which are absolutely disgusting is that she doesn't like jello. It was extremely funny to me because I hate jello and it's all they give you in the hospital. The italian ice and soup broth is ok, but I can't eat jello anymore unless I'm forced to in the hospital. Anyway, it was a very inspirational night. It's also nice to tell someone what you've been through who actually understands. People tell you they know what you're going through, but unless they have the disease, they have no idea.

Follow my new blog

I'll still update this one whenever I decide I need to vent or have something to share about myself, but I've been asked to do a blog about my grandma. It's funny stuff. Follow that one too.

http://grandmafresh.blogspot.com/