Listening to: The Fray
Reading: Ender's Game by O.Scott Card
Certification: Cisco ICND1 Module 1 Lesson 5
Video Game: Bioshock Infinite
First of all, it's Mother's Day and my brother and I took my mom and grandma out to breakfast at the Reo Diner in Woodbridge. I will always be a Jersey boy and there is nothing better than diner food for breakfast.
For the past few weeks my head has been a mess. I just have so much stuff on my mind and I just needed to take a deep breathe and figure out. There's a really good part of the movie "The Art of Getting By," when Sally says, "You think too much." That's my problem I think to much. I blame my brain for never taking a break and not being able to focus on one thing because it wants to do a million things at once.
I've been watching a lot of artsy/emo movies. I don't know what the actual genre is called, but the movies are "It's Kind of a Funny Story," "The Art of Getting By," and last night I saw "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" for the first time. This morning I watched it again. I really liked it.
Yesterday I was in the library and listened to all of the Dave Matthews playing with Tim Reynolds albums that I have on my ipod. It got me remembering high school and college and how many DMB shows I went to. They were so much fun.
I was taken back to a night that I haven't thought of in a long time, a DMB concert at Citifield. I was thinking wow that was the best night of my life. Looking back it was an awesome night, but I won't say the best night of my life. I don't think I've had that night yet. Also I had so many awesome nights that were just my friends and I hanging around, figuring out life.
The picture above is from that night at Citifield. My friend Adam on the left was cool enough to get us a suite for the show. The guy on the right is Jon from one of my favorite bands. He is legitimately one of the nicest guys on the planet. I've hung out with him a few times and he's really cool. The point of this story is I've been feeling really down about things recently. Remembering that night made me smile. It was one of those nights that I remember every detail of every second of that night. I remember talking with Jon about music, baseball, and life while we were tailgating. I remember it was so hot and we had the air conditioned suite. So we went in early and I remember everyone was waiting in the suite and Jon and I saw in the seats over looking CitiField. We were just silent and taking it in when I broke the silence and asked him what it's like to play in front of this many people and if he likes that better than playing a small basement show. The answer was long and complex and awesome. Fast forward to midway through the show and I was just sitting there taking it all in and Jon came over and said, "Can I sit here? I have a bottle of Jack." So we just sat there and talked and drank out of the bottle of Jack. (Note: Partying like a rockstar is no joke. I definitely did some fake swigs from that bottle of Jack.) This one girl in our suite kept looking our way and I said "You're going to sleep with her aren't you?" He said, "Why? Are you into her?" I told him no. He said, "You know you could if you wanted to. You just have to go talk to her." We talked a little more and he basically told me I was cool and passed the bottle of Jack to me and got up and went to talk to her.
Back to "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." There are so many great quotes from that movie. I can't wait to read the book. It's 2nd on my list. I have to read Catcher in the Rye first, which is also in that movie. The DMB concert story is relevant because it reminded me of this part of the movie.
Patrick: Hey, everyone! Every body! Everyone, raise your glasses to Charlie.
Charlie: What did I do?
Patrick: You didn't do anything. We just want to toast to our new friend. You see things and you understand. You're a wallflower.
[Charlie gets embarrassed]
Patrick: What is it? What's wrong?
Charlie: I didn't think anyone noticed me.
Patrick: Well we didn't think there was anyone cool left to meet! So come on everyone. To Charlie!
It's nice when I am noticed for how great I am and appreciated. It's even better when you don't expect it. I try really hard not to be noticed and to fly under the radar and really hard to be cool and noticed at the same time if that makes any sense.
There is also a major character flaw that I have that I need to fix. It's mostly because I'm terrified of opening up to anyone. I'm working on it. “It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too.” is the quote from Wallflower. In "The Art of Getting By," there is a scene where George tells Sally that he thought she was being unfair, but he realized that it was actually him who was being unfair for not telling her how he really felt about her. Like I said, I'm working on it. It was pretty great to realize that though. Part of the mess in my head is all these feelings that I internalize that I just expect people to be able to read my mind like book and figure it out. I have to stop being disappointed in other people not realizing how I feel if I don't externalize it. That's not going to be easy but I'll work on it.
Some other really great quotes from "The Perks of Being a Wallflower":
I feel infinite.
Dear Friend, I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile, but I've been trying hard to not be a loser.
My life is officially an after school special.
Charlie: So, you're not scared of me?
Sam: No.
Charlie: So, we can be friends again?
Sam: Of course!
[She hugs him]
Sam: C'mon. Lets go be psychos together!
Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?
Bill: Are we talking about anyone specific?
[Charlie nods]
Bill: We accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we make them know they deserve more?
Bill: We can try.
You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think it counts as love.
So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how could that be.
My doctor said we can't choose where we come from but we can choose where we go from there. I know it's not all the answers but it was enough to start putting these pieces together.
Welcome to the island of misfit toys.
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