Normalcy

Location: My room
Listening to: N/A
Watching: Juno
Reading: Eragon by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Part 6 of 6 in week 2 of 11

I'm freaking out a little about this exam. Hopefully I'll be able to focus this weekend and get lots of work done. The Yankees and Jack's Mannequin have taken over my life. Now I'm ready to kick math's ass.

This past week I realized I'm ready for a move to NYC. I was always afraid of it being too big. Then I ran into a good friend in Times Square and then ran into the same girl twice in 2 weeks. It's not as big as it seems. I also was walking around New Brunswick and realized it's time I leave Middlesex County. I know that a lot of people become big fish in little ponds. I am a big fish in the little pond that is East Coast Title, but as far as Woodbridge goes I feel like a tiny fish in a little pond. People tell me to become a bigger fish, but after hanging out in NYC and feeling completely comfortable and completely awesome for being me I am ready to find a new pond.

The best part of these past 2 weeks. I got to meet my hero Andrew McMahon twice and I realized he's still a hero, but after being completely in awe of him I realized I was being a groupie. Last night I saw Andrew's "Dear Jack" documentary and during the Q&A I realized how many people have cancer or other illness or other terrible life changing situations. It's about 100% of people. I need to live life. I was just excited to hang out with awesome people at a bar in the city. I felt 100% normal and had such a fun time that I didn't even notice they were guys in one of my favorite bands. It was really awesome to see Andrew hanging out and being normal.

At first I was very nervous. I met Jon, the bass player, and his friends and was a little in awe that I was hanging out with him and having a normal conversation. We were talking about vinyl vs. cassette vs. cd vs. mp3 vs. streaming. It was like we were friends for years. It was really a shock to see successful musicians actually being awesome people and not assholes. I was so nervous in fact that I was rambling on and on to this poor girl that I had met at a show a few days before. We walked for about 20-25 blocks to get to the bar from the movie theatre. The band made me get rid of this girl that was trying to get into the bar with us and I felt horrible because I was having a really awesome conversation with a girl that I don't even know. Luckily I got her number so I could apologize for not being able to get her into the bar. They say don't ever say sorry because it shows weakness, but I truly was sorry.

I was having such a good time just walking and talking with her that it was sad to see the conversation come to an end. I have a feeling I was more excited to be with her and she was just excited to get to drink a beer with Andrew. I'm pretty sure she has a boyfriend. It could also be that she's a social worker and can sense I'm a little off and wanted to learn more, but more likely it was her being as nervous and excited as I was to hang out with the band. She was probably more nervous and anxious than I was actually.

So after I thought I was now black listed I apologized to Jon and his friends about a million times and of course bought the first round of drinks hoping they would like me. Turns out they were totally cool and I didn't even have to do that. They gave me a hard time for bringing "a groupie" along. Rookie mistake. I guess she was a groupie, but a really awesome groupie. I insist that she's just a really awesome fan. Then later everyone apologized for making me ditch the girl. It was such a fun night. Never in my wildest dreams did I think a rockstar would be so cool and so normal. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be at a bar engaged in conversation and laughing and having a great time with the people in that room. I got invited to an exclusive night club that had an $80 cover. I couldn't go because stupid NJ Transit stops at 1:18 and I would have gotten stuck in the city.

I also have a greater appreciation for how hard people work in the music industry. People in that bar were having fun, but still discussing business or trying to make connections. It was awesome for me to be able to say I don't work in the industry and just enjoy the night. Special thanks to Adam Zengel for always working and trying to better the industry and for meeting Ryan at Rutgers who made this whole awesome experience happen. I also have a new found hope that me being me is more than good enough. I don't need to try to pretend to be someone I'm not and my geeky side and my musical side and my sports loving side and my naive side and my hopeless romantic side and my awkward side and my humorous side make me me and if that's not good enough for people then they can go f*** themselves.

I can honestly say these past 2 weeks have been unbelievably awesome for me and I feel like my head is finally on straight for the first time in my life. I also cherish normalcy and I've felt so normal the past few weeks. Being happy is an addiction. I don't think I've been this happy in so long that I've forgotten what it feels like.

In "Dear Jack" Andrew talks about wanting someone to give him a roadmap on how to fight cancer. It obviously was one of very few weak moments he had when fighting leukemia. I think part of my problem is I've been waiting for someone to hand me a roadmap to life. I don't regret anything I've done, but I think that just living life is the way to go. I think I'm ready for that now.

Ok time to finish Juno and then get some rest so I can hit the books in the morning.

A Million and One Thanks

Location: My bed
Listening to: "Caves" by Jack's Mannequin

Watching: N/A
Reading: Eragon by C. Paolini
Study Progress: Part 6 of 6 in week 2 of 11

The point of this blog entry is simply to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who helped me through an extremely difficult part of my life. I want to thank those of you who didn't even know I was sick and made my life worth living. I especially want to thank those of you who knew I was sick and treated me the same as before I was diagnosed and were ultimately my support system when I was.

For those who didn't know when I was 20 I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. When I was 25 and after trying every medication available and visits to the best doctors in the world at Mt. Sinai in Manhattan, we made a decision to surgically remove my colon and make a j-pouch to act as a colon.

For those of you who know me closely I am a big music fan and Something Corporate and Jack's Mannequin are 2 of my favorite bands. I was lucky enough (again through the help of a friend) to be able to meet Andrew McMahon, the front man of both bands, this past Monday. It was nothing more than a meet and greet with 30 or so other fans. He might remember me as Adam's friend, but nothing more than that. When I found out I had the opportunity to meet him I tried to think of what I wanted to say to him. I couldn't be concise and everything I wanted to say would have probably taken 30 minutes to get out so I said simply said nothing worthwhile. For those of you who don't know Andrew's story he beat leukemia.

He's someone I idolize for the way he has handled his situation and the way he lives life. Just being in his presence was awesome. Since I couldn't think of the right words I decided the best thing to do was to help him feel normal so I treated him more like a rockstar than a cancer survivor. Since the day I was diagnosed, the days I cherish the most are the days when I just feel normal for as long as possible.

As soon as I left I knew exactly what I should have said. The next time I get to meet him I simply want to say thank you. "Thank you for being there in my iPod the countless hours I was in a hospital bed or getting a treatment or home recovering."

I remember one day I was in Overlook Hospital's Oncology Department getting a treatment. My dad was with me and these old women who were getting chemo were just so nice to me since they thought I was fighting cancer. Obviously I was new and had my hair so they were giving me blankets and other stuff like magazines and books and it was so nice. Looking back and hearing Andrew talk about his Dear Jack foundation I know appreciate all I've been through and I want to try to pay everything forward. Anyway, I remember I was listening to Something Corporate and ignoring my dad. I find one of the hardest things to deal with is making people sad. When you're alone in a hospital room you miss people and want the people that are important in your life next to you. The difficult thing is having them there and seeing sad looks on their faces. Seeing that look on the faces of my parents or brother or really anyone you care about that hurts more than any pain I've ever felt. Anyway back to the treatment on that particular day with my 3 blankets (even though I didn't want any blankets) and my dad reading one of his books. I remember SoCo was playing in my ears and I wanted to shut out the world so it was just me and Andrew and the Spanish Channel so I could watch a World Cup Soccer Match (it was Argentina and someone else). I remember looking around the room and seeing good in people and realizing that no matter how bad a situation is it's always worse for someone else. Andrew's music is so positive that I have also tried to be as positive as possible although I don't always succeed at that.

Back to the concert, I know he doesn't realize what he did, but he looked at me when he saw I was singing his song "The Resolution" and that meant a lot. It could have totally been in my mind, but he looked at me multiple times during that song. Some of the lyrics of that song are "Yeah I'm alive, but I don't need a witness to know that I survived. I'm not looking for forgiveness. Yeah, I just need the light. I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution."

I've spent the last 2 nights "searching for the resolution" so to speak. I haven't been able to sleep because my mind has just been racing trying to figure this out. I figured it out thanks to youtube. I saw an interview with Andrew where he put it all in perspective for me and justified my thoughts. He was talking about his song "Caves" and he said that having a cancer battle is like a symphony and that's what he was going for with that song. It was being diagnosed, then fighting, and finally reconciling what you've been through. It's so simple, but it was that reconciling process that had me hung up. "It's not about being sick, it's about getting well." I don't think anything says it better than that. "It's still real here on the other side and now we're back to real living and having to reconcile that. It was a hard thing to reconcile, it was a hard thing to reconcile, but I think I'm pretty reconciled about it."

I guess the last piece of this entry is something that I've learned is the best way to make someone feel better is to just act normally. As hard as that is, I can honestly say the best memories in the hospital are when friends come and are just normal and don't ask you what the doctors are doing tomorrow or how the food was. I remember it was the day after my surgery I had 3 really good friends in my room and my parents had left and there was maybe 30 minutes before visiting hours were over and the nurse said hello to them and they could stay for 30 minutes, but she wouldn't tell if they wanted to stay late. Then they got "waxed in" my room. It literally was like being on Scrubs, no one could get in or out of my room for an hour or so until the wax dried. I think that was my favorite night in the hospital.

Finally keep your calendars open on May 23rd. I'll be organizing a team to do a walk on the boardwalk in Belmar. So once I set it up you can join me. It's to benefit the Crohn's and Colitis foundation and if that's not enough the team name is TCFS. Tim's Colitis Fighting Squad will have the coolest team shirts ever.

In short, thanks.